Real-Life Human Woman Actively Choosing To Do Sex With Bill Ackman Instead Of Brad Pitt

2018 is the year of Ackman!
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Back in April, PageSix reported that Brad Pitt was looking to do sex on a super-pretty MIT professor named Neri Oxman. The media was quite taken with this narrative as it played perfectly into the adolescently simplistic narrative of "Mega-Hunk Falls for Pretty Nerd," a nuance-free take on complex human emotions that is catnip for people desperate to believe that real life can mimic a John Hughes script.


A source exclusively confirms that architecture and design aficionado Pitt recently met accomplished Oxman through an MIT architecture project and they have since become friends. Pitt was referred to Oxman to collaborate on an architectural project he was working on, we’re told.
As first revealed on “Page Six TV,” a source told us, “Brad and Neri instantly hit it off because they share the same passion for architecture, design and art. This is best described as a professional friendship.”
But the source added, “Their friendship has not turned into romance … as both are cautious and this is, again, more of a professional friendship, but Brad is very interested in spending more time with Neri, she is fascinating.”

We here are dealbreaker dot com however found this story to be a gothic tragedy and have spent the last few weeks trying to ignore and curse this flirtation.

You see, every absurd romantic comedy plot needs a Baxter, and in this telling of the tale, the Baxter was reportedly none other than Dealbreaker Patron Saint of Pain, William Ackman. According to that April report, Oxman was dating our boy Bill...

But Pitt may have a challenge on his hands — multiple sources also confirm to Page Six that Oxman has recently been dating billionaire activist investor Bill Ackman, 51.
New York-based Ackman — who has been battling to reassure investors of his hedge fund Pershing Square after losses — has been seeing Oxman for seven months, we are told.

These words cut us deep back in April. We went so far as to ignore commenting on it because even we felt that Bill has dealt with enough shit in the last two years that he doesn't need to be the Bill Pullman role in a movie about a mousey professor letting her hair down, taking her glasses off, realizing she's crazy hot and then dumping Bill Pullman for, well, Brad Pitt.

We hoped for the best, but we also had to face the reality that a human woman who we can only assume is not legally blind was being presented with the choices of Bill Ackman and Brad Pitt. Our heart was heavy.

But today, a shining ray of hope and light from PagesSix!

Rock-star MIT professor Neri Oxman — who was reportedly being wooed by Brad Pitt — is still going strong with billionaire hedge funder Bill Ackman.

What what what?! Ackman over Pitt? You are a fascinating lady, Neri Oxman. And maybe you're also a muse. After all, Pershing Square's May was the best performance that Ackman has laid down in many moons and he's cashing out his personal investments to show everyone how ride-or-die he's feeling.

This newfound confidence cannot be unrelated to the knowledge that you're cockblocking Tyler Durden himself. Bill Ackman is not coming back...Bill Ackman is fucking BACK and hotter than ever.

We love this story, and we cannot wait to read PageSix in a few weeks and learn about Carl Icahn's angry, desperate attempts to spitefully seduce Neri Oxman,

Brad Pitt spending time with rockstar MIT professor [PageSix]
Brad Pitt’s MIT crush still going strong with billionaire hedge funder Bill Ackman [PageSix]


Bill Ackman Does Not Act, Bill Ackman Feels Deeply (And Does Not Appreciate The Insinuation Otherwise, THANK YOU VERY MUCH)

As we have discussed at length, when it comes to the art of regulating one's emotions while investing, there are two models to choose from: The Dead Inside paradigm, wherein you remain calm, cool, and collected, maintaining the same expression on your face whether you've lost $1 billion on one trade or made three times that much on another; and The Bill Ackman. The mega-successful Pershing Square founder imbues emotion in everything he does, particularly when it comes to his job. As a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, in the past Ackman has been known to: cry at shareholder meetings; get extremely heated to the point of his face becoming "flushed," his eyes "misty" when meeting with SEC investigators; pen "long, emotional, late-night missives" to top SEC brass; and erupt on directors of companies with such passion that his "furious outburst" could be "heard in an outside hallway." As there are few on Wall Street who exhibit such raw emotion while conducting business, and there is a propensity by some to employ tactics that will put them in the power position when facing foes, perhaps it should not come as too much of a shock that recently, a reporter asked Ackman whether or not the waterworks or displays of indignation are pre-planned, in front of a mirror. For those who've long known Ackman has more integrity in one salty tear than most have in their entire body, his answer will not come as a shock, but to set the record straight, for anyone holding out hope of seeing him do a little regional theater at some point in the future: