Skip to main content

Deutsche Bank Wants To Hire Young People, But We Won't Fall For Its Tricks

We're stupid, but not this stupid

Umm, does Deutsche Bank really think that college kids are dumb enough to work at Deutsche Bank?


Deutsche Bank increased the number of university graduates it hired this year as part of a group-wide cost cutting drive that’s also led a string of veteran executives to leave the firm.

Germany’s largest bank hired 774 graduates from the class of 2018, a 20 percent increase on last year and the second-highest figure in at least half a decade, according to a presentation slide provided by a spokeswoman. Half of those graduates were hired for corporate finance and technology.

Right now, Deutsche Bank looks like the college dropout showing up to the high school party. Yes, it's nice that you graced us with alcoholic beverages to fuel our quintessential teenage angst, so we'll let you join in on our banter and converse with our friends, but every girl at the party is aware of your statutory intentions on behalf of your crude history as a burnt out womanizer. And despite the clear lack of interest from others, you're pulling out all the stops to get lucky,

Deutsche Bank's second quarter results are out. If you're in the investment bank, they're mixed. As the chart below shows, Deutsche did comparatively well in M&A but comparatively badly in fixed income currencies and commodities. However, there's good news for employees: bonus accruals in the corporate and investment bank were up €70m in the second quarter and €110m in the first half. Questions are being asked about the bank's strategy.

Yes, those bonuses sound quite enticing, and Deutsche Bank clearly thinks Millenials will swoon over them as if it were avocado toast with a side of kombucha. And although our generation falls prey to the prospect of overpriced salads and validation of self on social media, we're not going to find ourselves entangled next to the dried husk of John Cryan in a web comprised of whatever silky substance Christian Sewing spews from his orifices.

There are some places we'd be willing to give a shot. For example, at Credit Suisse, you may have your face licked by an M&A MD, but at least that situation allows the opportunity for some hush money to be thrown your way. At Deutsche Bank, all you have is old bankers that are more depressed than usual because all of their friends were fired or left. And while it's funny to laugh at the melancholy elderly, it's not that funny when it looks like you in about 20 years, and your only shot at happiness is to get laid-off before you turn into those sad sacks.

Deutsche Bank retreats in investment bank overhaul [FT]

Deutsche Bank to pay generous bonuses under Christian Sewing [eFinancialCareers]

Deutsche Bank Steps Up Graduate Hiring [Bloomberg]


(Getty Images)

Deutsche Bank's New U.S. Chief Doesn't Have Much Morale Left To Kill

Thomas Patrick is following up a pretty tough act.


The Deutsche Bank Exodus Ain’t Over Yet

The 2016 (non) bonus season might be over, but managing directors are still saying auf wiedersehen.


Deutsche Bank Admits That Sometimes It Feels Like It's Still Living In The Hellscape Of 2015

John Cryan explains why Deutsche Bank missed huge again, and ponders the existence of joy.


Layoff Watch '18: Deutsche Bank Just Fired Fruit

What's the German compound word for "Put the mango down! Mango is for closers"?


Deutsche Bank Now Suffering The Indignity Of Watching Senior People Risk Career Suicide By Defecting To Credit Suisse

It's starting to dawn on Deutsche Bank that senior executives are pretty keen on - like - getting bonuses or whatever.