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Opening Bel..... Nah, It's America Time

"Y'all tryna get in on this independence thing" -George Washington, 1776

Today is the day people.

No matter what walk of life you come from; What political party you champion; Who you like to sleep with; What football team you root for, today is for celebrating American independence by getting sunburnt and blacking out, all while lighting off miniature explosives.

Whether you're celebrating in Montauk or Lake Minnetonka, we can all agree that we are currently living in the greatest country on the face of this planet. And regardless of the academia or statistics that you people will show us to prove otherwise, we're going to continue to say that it doesn't get better than this.

So to prove that it doesn't get any better than this, we've compiled a list of reasons that America is definitively the greatest country in the world.

1) Football

The world cup is pretty cool, but they should try watching some real football. I understand everything that goes into your "beautiful game" but there's nothing beautiful about watching Neymar screech like a goddamn banshee everytime someone does so much as to graze his scrotum. We're here for the constant concussions, torn ACLs, and broken ankles. Plus, the craziest play in the game, the Hail Mary, is named after a prayer, so that's tight because we appreciate Jesus (and all religions for that matter) over here in America.

2) Food

If you talk to any foreigner food snob, they'll be quick to tell you that there's no fine cuisine in America. However, if you talk to any New Yorker, you'll quickly learn that New York City is home to the world's finest pizza, tacos, barbeque, ice cream, bourbon, crepes, pasta, steaks, coffee, burgers, sushi, sesame chicken, and any other food that you can imagine.

3) College Football

All the same reasons we love regular football, but we don't have to pay the players. Less money, same amount of CTE.

4) Cheap Beer

Many scoff at cheap beer, but there's a time and place for a nice Miller, Coors, Bud, etc. Especially if it's free. My father once told me, "you can learn a lot about a man by the beer he drinks", and if you turn down a free, cheap pilsner then frankly, the only thing that can be learned from you is how to be an elitist cockwagon.

5) The Military-Industrial Complex

The largest air force in the world is the United States Air Force. The second largest is the United States Navy. If that doesn't add some boner fuel to your World War II film inspired military erection, then I don't know what will.

6) Music

Shut up England. We definitely invented Rock n'Roll after we were done bailing your ass out because of your asinine appeasement policies. And if Rock n'Roll isn't enough, you can take a trip south of the Mason-Dixon Line to listen to some sweet country music. Or maybe go on up to Seattle for some Grunge. Maybe after, you can head to St. Louis; the hometown of the songbird of our generation. Yes, I'm talking about Nelly. We have it all, no matter your auditory preference.

Well, that's all we have for now, and just a few of the best things that make our nation so goddamn glorious. Feel free to add to the list in the comments section below.

Happy 4th of July everybody.


(Trump image courtesy Flickr user Gage Skidmore)

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