Not to start off your week on a sour note, but we seem to have misplaced our intern.
Thad is supposed to report in to Dealbreaker HQ first, make sure that the coffee* is made and that our fresh pastries** are laid out. He is also charged with doing whatever the "Opening Bell" is and then sitting quietly at his desk until Dealbreaker staff arrives and begins assigning him various editorial tasks.***
Since he showed up in our office a few weeks ago, claiming that he was our intern and that we had already agreed to pay him minimum wage so long as he promised to never Google what minimum wage is [which sounded like us], he has not failed to execute his various duties. Until this morning.
Last we can recall, Thad was dead set on taking the Hamptons Jitney out to The East End for the weekend and talking his way into an impromptu DJ D-Sol set in Montauk. We rarely actually listen to what he's saying but we do have some foggy memory of him mentioning that some interns from Deutsche had offered him a place to crash in Amagansett. And also something about taking him to a place in the woods where he could do secret interviews with Pershing Square and DE Shaw. He seemed very excited, to be honest, and couldn't believe his luck.
So he's maybe in the Hamptons somewhere or passed out on the LIRR? Maybe sleeping it off on a bench in the Jamaica, Queens station after screwing up his switch? Thad is a rube.
The last we heard from him was a photo text that apparently came through at like 2am Sunday morning. The whole thing was out of focus, but it was definitely Thad wearing one of his fucking golf shirts and like singing or something [his mouth was open wide and his eyes were fucking wild] in front of a bonfire on the beach. It looked like he was partying quite hardcore and the message was "SOqerghui" like he'd smashed his keypad and hit send. Upon seeing it, we were just annoyed that young people can stay up that late.
But now that we look at the photo again, and put it together with this severed pinkie that arrived in a manila envelope via messenger a few hours ago, maybe he's not singing? And also, Deutsche interns don't have weekend places, and all DE Shaw interviews are held in secret in the woods...
Aw shit, Thad's dead, isn't he?
Can't believe we killed another lost out intern...
Well, if you do find Thad, or his remains, please return him:
c/o Steven A Cohen
72 Cummings Point Rd
Stamford, CT 06902
Anyway, applications are open for the Fall semester, we guess.
***Breaking his psyche with drug-fueled emotional abuse