On this day, we curse The Gods of Finance for giving Gary Cohn a brief moment of clarity and a sense of free will...
Gary Cohn rebuffed overtures from Wells Fargo directors to be its next chief executive earlier this year, The Post has learned.
Board members at the scandal-ridden bank had been pursuing the Wall street banker — who stepped down as President Trump’s top economic adviser in March — as they explored options to replace CEO Tim Sloan, four sources familiar with the talks told The Post.
This never happening is a tragedy for us. Gary running out of the madhouse of Trump's West Wing and directly into the burning building that is Wells Fargo would have been the greatest moment in Wall Street slapstick.
Apparently, Gary was intrigued by the idea of running America's fallen Jezebel bank, but then someone presumably threw a bucket of ice cold water into his face and screamed "WHY DO YOU KEEP HURTING YOURSELF?! YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED!" and he shuddered and cried and whimpered "Thank you," before calling the board of Wells Fargo, thanking them for their interest and bellowing "Not today Satan!"
Then Gary walked out into the sunshine, smiled to himself with his eyes closed and said, "I will no longer be undone by my impulse to self-harm. I will be stronger, I will be smarter, I will be...better."
Then his assistant asked if he wanted to book some appearances in a few months looking back on 10 years since The Crisis, and Gary was all "Oh, yeah, book me. Someone needs to defend Dick Fuld's legacy and remind everyone that waitresses were the villains, not Wall Street."