Wells Fargo Announces Plan To Just Start Firing People Until The Bloodlust Of Its Customers Is Sated

Tim Sloan seeks "efficiency," and he'll do whatever it takes to find it.

Well, this is certainly "a plan"...

Wells Fargo.Insane

Given changing customer preferences, including the accelerating adoption of digital self-service capabilities, the focus on operational excellence, and ongoing commitment to efficiency, the company expects headcount to decline by approximately 5 to 10 percent within the next three years. This decline would reflect displacements as well as normal team member attrition over that period.

Tim Sloan is just going to livestream a series of visits to Wells Fargo offices and branches, broadcasting to customers as he wanders the halls, dragging an extremely sharp sword menacingly on the floor behind him as he strolls before stopping at a random desk and mercilessly beheading its occupant with one swift stroke of his blade. "Are you not APPEASED?!" he will scream into the camera as the geyser of blood dissipates behind him and he moves on to his next victim.

“Wells Fargo takes very seriously any change that involves its team members, and as always, we will be thoughtful and transparent, and treat team members with respect,” said Sloan. “We have robust programs to make impacted team members aware of other job opportunities within Wells Fargo and provide support as they transition to the next phase of their careers. And even as we become more efficient, Wells Fargo will remain one of the largest employers in the United States.”

If Gary Cohn had followed through and cuckolded Sloan, it would be a totally different story. Gary would be cutting back by 20%, and he wouldn't use a sword...he'd use his bare hands, like A MAN.