Elon Musk Will Buy $20 Million Of Tesla Stock In Big Show Of Make Believe That Elon Musk And Tesla Are Separate Things

"Here's some money to pay you back for that fine that "I" got, wink wink..."
Author:
Publish date:

After tweeting out some securities fraud a few weeks back, Elon Musk has crossed the T's and dotted the R's [Elon doesn't play by your grammar rules, plebe] on his laughably lenient settlement with the SEC.

Elon SEC

In addition to stepping down as chairman and letting one of his pals act as an "independent" "director," Tesla will pay a $20 million fine, Elon is going to pay a $20 million fine, behave himself and stop trying to make his performance artist girlfriend with jokes that are also stock manipulations.

But according to one new little bit of info, Elon has one more fake-ass mea culpa that is simultaneous proof Elon can't shoot straight anymore and that there is no daylight between Tesla and Musk. Buried at the bottom of an 8-K form filed by Tesla yesterday is this tidbit:

Separate and apart from the settlement, Elon has notified Tesla that he intends to purchase from Tesla, and Tesla expects that it will issue and sell to Elon, $20 million of Tesla’s common stock during the next open trading window at the then-current market price.

Haha, yeah, that's some unvarnished bullshit right there.

We get that Elon would buy $20 million worth of stock as a way to simultaneously apologize to his board and shareholders that also communicates confidence in his company, but why say it's separate from the settlement? If you want to sell that story, make it $50 million, or $10 million, or even $20,000,001. Buying the exact amount of stock that the company-which-is-totally-not-a-cult-built-around-your-own-persona paid in a fine as a result of your super-bad tweet is a clear message that the two things are linked, so definitely say that they aren't in your fucking SEC filing, you Icarian dolt.

What are we even doing here, Elon?

Related