As you may have heard, Dan Loeb is in a little tiff with the people who run Campbell’s Soup. As such, you may be expecting a blistering open letter to a board of directors right now. Perhaps a scorching PowerPoint presentation laying out in excruciating detail all of Campbell’s many, many failings. But Dan Loeb’s rage cannot be contained to such media; he’s branching out. And no matter what that asshole George Clooney says, the man has a flair for film. And his brutal putdowns come across just as strongly on video as in the black and white of the printed word.
OK, so maybe the “Mmm Mmm Bad” bit’s a little hokey and dated. (Does Campbell’s still even use “Mmm Mmm Good” in commercials anymore? I don’t think I’ve seen one since Donovan McNabb was starring in them, and it doesn’t appear to be in the “two dads” ad of a couple years’ ago that generated so much manufactured controversy.) But man, the rest of it? Pure gold. “Incredible waste.” “Failed leadership has destroyed two decades of value.” “Dismal soup sales.” “Not a simple case of adding a little salt or trying some gluten-free noodles.” “Change the board. Not a member or two: All of the people.” Danny Boy even makes a cameo himself. And sure, citing Yahoo! as an example of when you recruited “a best-in-class CEO and management team to turn this company around before it’s too late” is a questionable choice, but it’s the burns that stick with you anyway. Cook them up and inject them right into my veins. If Campbell’s soup was even remotely as tasty and spicy as those lines, I might even consider buying some.