Inside Hedge Funders With @CreditNegative: Crash Is King

Our new senior asset management correspondent is telling it like it is.
Author:
Updated:
Original:

I CAREFULLY HOIST A LASAGNA INTO THE LOWER PORTION OF MY LEOPARD PRINT SNUGGIE (MY SUBORDINATES HAVE REFUSED TO DO BOTH MY DISHES AND LAUNDRY FOR SEVERAL YEARS) AND GINGERLY TROT TO MY WORKSTATION, WHERE I REST THE ITALIAN DISH ON MY BEEFY QUADRICEPS.

dumpster

I BEGIN WRITING MY LETTER TO MY JAMAICAN INVESTORS, WHO BE VERY CONCERNED WITH ME Q3 UNDERPERFORMANCE. "YOU GON’ DONE BE VERY PATIENT WITH YOUR CAPITAL NOW, IT IS NOT THE TIME TO STOP JAMMIN’ WITH ME." I EXPERTLY EXPLAIN THAT THE CHINESE, WHO ARE DEVELOPING A FINAL SOLUTION TO HALTING DISGUSTING WESTERN CAPITALISM IN THEIR COUNTRY (“CRAZY RICH ASIANS”, A BRILLIANT PROPAGANDA FILM), ARE OUT TO GET ME, AND THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN PROTECT THEIR CAPITAL FROM A DEVASTATING BLITZKRIEG OF NEGATIVE ALPHA.

"YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY 888 CLIENT BASE TO BE INVESTED WITH ME. MUCH LIKE THE LUFTWAFFE OVER LONDON, OTHER INFERIOR INVESTMENT MANAGERS BE DESTROYING CLIENT CAPITAL MUCH WORSE THAN I AND I HAVE.” I BRIEFLY PAUSE FOR A FISTFUL OF LASAGNA, EXHAUSTED FROM THE INTELLECTUAL LABOR.

“THESE TACTICALLY PLACED NEGATIVE ALPHA BOMBS ARE BEING DELIVERED BY INFERIOR, PATHETIC HEDGE FUND MANAGERS WITHOUT THE DETERMINATION AND FOCUS NEEDED TO GENERATE CONSISTENT ALPHA. THEY DESERVE TO BE SHIPPED OUT TO THE HEDGE FUND MANAGER EQUIVALENT OF BIRKENAU (JANUS)” I RECEIVE RAVE REVIEWS FROM SEVERAL DIFFERENT HUMANS.

Want more insight? @creditnegative

Related

BitcoinButtplug

Inside Hedge Funders With @CreditNegative: Time4Crypto

Thoughts on Nephew Jacob's crypto symposium.

David Shaw Ivy Hedge

David Shaw Made A Beautiful Hedge Trade On His Kids' Academic Futures

Throwing $1 million every year for a decade at Harvard, Stanford, Yale and Princeton, but giving only half that to Brown and Columbia? That's just solid asset management.

SteveCohenTeddyBear

Point72 Lawsuit Reveals Unacceptable Behavior That Constitutes Real Improvement For A Steve Cohen Hedge Fund

Steve Cohen is now traveling in the the uncanny valley of woker Wall Street office misogyny.

Trump.BurningMoney

Hedge Funders Backing Trump Are Hedging On Giving Him Actual Money

Turns out GOP candidates polling behind in Missouri are a risky investment.

KudlowRainbow

Larry Kudlow Explains To CNBC That Trump's Comments On The Fed Are Totally Fine If You Just Ignore Them Like Larry Does

"Listen, Jimmy and Carl, you just put your fingers in your earholes like so, and then hum really loud until your brain fills with sound..."

Coming soon to a Bridgewater office near you.

Ray Dalio Is Losing Money Because Everyone Else Is Too Stupid To Realize That We're In A Recession, Says Ray Dalio

The Wizard of the Westport Woods needs all you Najarian-watching morons to listen the f up.