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Opening Bell: 11.12.18

Fed is chill; Wells Fargo is not sexist; And China is unafraid. Good morning.

Welcome to the new Opening Bell from The Water Coolest. We think you're gonna like it here...


No stress [The Water Coolest]

Apparently, the Fed is channeling its inner Kunu a la "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" (think: "Do less"). A speech by Fed Vice Chairman of Supervision Randal Quarles on Friday was the source of many a fist bump throughout the banking world.

Quarles (Barkley), doing his best to score an invite to Dorsia, opened the kimono on a slew of planned bank-friendly regulations including making stress tests more consistent year over year and giving banks results before the house of cards wrap up their shareholder-return plans.

The man with the plan (Quarles) also hinted at eliminating the leverage ratio which compares equity to total assets. Banks and the Fed argue that this doesn't take into account relative riskiness. Opponents point to September 2008 on a calendar.

Fed to Further Overhaul Stress-Testing Regime, Making it Easier for Banks to Pass [WSJ]

No girls allowed [The Water Coolest]

"Welcome to the he-man woman haters club." - Tim Sloan, probably. WF has ended its investigation into alleged gender bias in its wealth management division, concluding that there was no such discrimination. The roughly 10-minute investigation was sparked by senior executives who said women in WF's wealth management division are systematically belittled and blocked from promotions.

Wells Fargo Ends Investigation Over Bias Against Women [WSJ]

One is the loneliest number [The Water Coolest]

China's largest internet company, Alibaba, set a single day sales record on Sunday, with $24.3B in sales in just 16 hours during its Singles' Day extravaganza. The bonanza, which is the brainchild of Alibaba founder, and pumpkin-headed billionaire, Jack Ma ended with a staggering $30.8B in sales.

Alibaba spared no expense to promote its version of a one-day-only sale including televised entertainment with Cirque du Soleil and Mariah Carey. Because nothing screams "retail therapy" quite like carnie folk and a batsh*t diva.

Alibaba Sets Singles' Day Sales Record With 8 Hours Still to Go [Bloomberg]

What else is happening today?

  • SAP is acquiring survey company, Qualtrics, for $8B. The Google Forms on steroids was planning an IPO this week.
  • A Montana federal judge has rejected the Trump administration's decision to greenlight the Keystone XL Pipeline, saying that the White House failed to present a “reasoned explanation” for the move and “simply discarded” the effect the project would have on climate change. To which the executive branch retorted "so?"

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Opening Bell: 11.13.18

Booze sale; 1MDB getting gnarly; Moody's starting to rate hackabilitiy; and more!

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Wells Fargo Admits That It Will Remain In A Bad Bank Time Out For 2019

America’s naughtiest lender will stay under Fed punishment for the whole year.

(Getty Images)

Opening Bell: 12.28.16

Lloyds looks to Europe; Wells Fargo looks after its customers; crotch shot looks unexpectedly poignant; and more.


Investigators Now Wondering If There Are Regulations Wells Fargo Hasn't Broken

If you're a federal regulator NOT looking into Wells Fargo, raise your hand...and then go investigate Wells Fargo.

The last chairman AND CEO of Wells Fargo?

New Wells Fargo Boss Looks A Little Too Much Like Old Boss To Some People

Even Wells Fargo's website thinks Tim Sloan and John Stumpf are hard to tell apart.