Welcome to the new Opening Bell from The Water Coolest. We think you're gonna like it here...
No stress [The Water Coolest]
Apparently, the Fed is channeling its inner Kunu a la "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" (think: "Do less"). A speech by Fed Vice Chairman of Supervision Randal Quarles on Friday was the source of many a fist bump throughout the banking world.
Quarles (Barkley), doing his best to score an invite to Dorsia, opened the kimono on a slew of planned bank-friendly regulations including making stress tests more consistent year over year and giving banks results before the house of cards wrap up their shareholder-return plans.
The man with the plan (Quarles) also hinted at eliminating the leverage ratio which compares equity to total assets. Banks and the Fed argue that this doesn't take into account relative riskiness. Opponents point to September 2008 on a calendar.
No girls allowed [The Water Coolest]
"Welcome to the he-man woman haters club." - Tim Sloan, probably. WF has ended its investigation into alleged gender bias in its wealth management division, concluding that there was no such discrimination. The roughly 10-minute investigation was sparked by senior executives who said women in WF's wealth management division are systematically belittled and blocked from promotions.
One is the loneliest number [The Water Coolest]
China's largest internet company, Alibaba, set a single day sales record on Sunday, with $24.3B in sales in just 16 hours during its Singles' Day extravaganza. The bonanza, which is the brainchild of Alibaba founder, and pumpkin-headed billionaire, Jack Ma ended with a staggering $30.8B in sales.
Alibaba spared no expense to promote its version of a one-day-only sale including televised entertainment with Cirque du Soleil and Mariah Carey. Because nothing screams "retail therapy" quite like carnie folk and a batsh*t diva.
What else is happening today?
- SAP is acquiring survey company, Qualtrics, for $8B. The Google Forms on steroids was planning an IPO this week.
- A Montana federal judge has rejected the Trump administration's decision to greenlight the Keystone XL Pipeline, saying that the White House failed to present a “reasoned explanation” for the move and “simply discarded” the effect the project would have on climate change. To which the executive branch retorted "so?"
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