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As Some Idiot Predicted Months Ago, Blue Apron Is Officially A Penny Stock

If even we could see this coming, how was it allowed to happen?

Want to see a brutal chart?

Screen Shot 2018-12-18 at 10.42.05 AM

But do you want to know the darkest thing about that chart? It constitutes a total value loss of eight cents.

Screen Shot 2018-12-18 at 10.41.45 AM

Oh, hello, Blue Apron.

That's right, dipshits, the online recipe-in-a-box startup has finally dropped below a dollar a share less than 18 months after IPOing at $10. A decline that sharp and fast is pretty breathtaking to behold:

Screen Shot 2018-12-18 at 11.41.32 AM

Who could have predicted a performance this mindbogglingly shitty from a startup that was once the apple of Silicon Alley's eye? Here's one thing from June 2017...

Blue Apron’s IPO is essentially the dogshit Frankenstein of the new IPO market; an untested company that doesn’t turn a profit, wants to keep operating like a private company, sees a ticker symbol as a Z-Round of funding, and will tank into penny stock territory after being restructured within a few quarters of public disclosures.

Despite being written smugly, and a bit coarse, that appears to have been a very intelligent analysis. Which psychic big bank analyst was it? Mark Kolanovic?

What what what?!?! That Well, that's terrifying.

While it could be argued that we've been rather hard on Blue Apron, it can now also be proven that we have been staggeringly correct. The IPO was a shitshow, the weeks that followed were brutal, the restructuring began almost immediately, then got truly bloody five months after that. Blue Apron's journey as a public company has been like the financial equivalent of The Donner Party, only slightly longer in duration and less objectively successful. Which is a shame considering [as we've said too many times already] Blue Apron is a pretty good idea that could have been turned into a solid company with time, patience and steady leadership. Being publicly-traded made the first two impossible and proved the last one was never really an option.

But the most distressing thing about APRN being worth almost nothing so quickly is that we were so right about it. Let's be honest, this website is hardly known for its brilliant equities analysis, and while we're good at cursing, we're not bursting with actionable investment ideas. Simply put, we're clowns...and even we saw that Blue Apron was a disaster waiting to happen.

We've spent our last few weeks watching everyone start to get a little panicky about whether or not the stock market and the greater economy are showing signs of deflating from an unnatural state of craven optimism. We'll just say this, The Blue Apron IPO was underwritten by big banks, listed on a real exchange and bought by actual people, all while the guy who wrote this stood on the sidelines yelling bullshit and being somehow correct.

Welcome to The Blue Apron Recession.



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Even Goldman has to admit that this is a fucking disaster.