Updated:
Original:

An Apple Product A Year Keeps The Recession Away

We're learning a very important lesson today.

You didn't upgrade your iPhone, the president started a trade war with the world's largest consumer economy, and now the market looks like this:

Screen Shot 2019-01-03 at 10.07.45 AM

Let's focus on the iPhone part here.

You could argue that sales slumps are usually the fault of management and that a bleed on iPhones could have been offset by the sales of that new innovative product that Apple still hasn't produced. But we've all bought so much of Apple's shit already that we pumped the thing into a trillion dollar situation that we are forced to reckon with if it starts to shudder. Maybe Tim Cook should be replaced (open auditions on AppleTV would be our preference...and Marissa Mayer should go first), and maybe Goldman is right that Apple is even more deeply fucked than we are seeing in this moment, but we would argue that maybe we should all just feed the beast.

So run out into the streets and find the nearest Apple retail location near you [hint : it's in the douchiest hipster part of your town], trade in your iPhone, your iPad, your stupid watch, or even your laptop...well, maybe not your laptop since Apple hasn't really improved those in many years. Let the money flow and jumpstart the one consumer electronics company that has become so bloated and comfortable that it sends the markets into a panic by admitting that it's only going to pull down $84 billion in revenue for a single quarter. This is how economics work now, just ask the dream team of finance geniuses managing it in Washington.

Speaking of Washington, Steve Mnuchin is missing out on a major opportunity to counsel the president that $9 billion worth of iPhones cemented together could make a pretty nice wall on our southern border.

Related

CookMusk

Apple Revises Q1 Guidance Citing Chinese Trade And iPhone Sales As Things That Suck

Tim Cook looking to make his problem into everybody's problem.

appledanish

Apple Refuses To Be Victimized By Grandest Ego-Trip In Danish History

Tim Cook does not think Margrethe Vestager is the "Dane of the Year."

trumptech

Trump To Meet With Tech Titans, Threatening Midtown Manhattan With Potential Nuclear Ego Event

We're not saying this is a trap, but we're definitely not saying it isn't.

CookMusk

Tim Cook Is Boring, So Now Apple Is Only Worth $1 Trillion

If only he'd overpromised, underdelivered, burned cash, acted like a maniac and then apologized...Apple would worth at least $10 trillion.

Elon Musk Finds It Adorable That Those Simpleton Rejects Over At Apple Think They Can Build A Whole Car

Listen, Elon's not saying Apple's a second rate company... He's saying it's third or fourth rate.