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Unless you were watching something with Fox in the title, you have spent the last 24 hours of cable news coverage being bombarded by campaign appearances from a litany of Democratic candidates charging towards the White House. 

With only 16 months until the convention, candidates like Elizabeth Warren, Beto O'Rourke, Kirsten Gillibrand and Cory Booker are dominating primetime news slots giving long interviews and town halls, refining talking points and making a very [very] early case that they are the person to end Donald Trump's time in the White House. And because there are so many voices going at once, it's hard to pick out who is saying what. Take for instance these bon mots of anti-Trumpian populist rhetoric. Can you guess which of the dozen people running for the Democratic nomination have said these in the last 24 hours?...

"It is absolutely obvious that a big chunk of [people] have been left behind — 40% of Americans make less than $15 an hour: 40% of Americans can’t afford a $400 bill, whether it’s medical or fixing their car 15% of Americans make minimum wages. 70,000 die from opioids."

"The US economy is fundamentally anti-poor."

"Kids aren't getting the education they need to get a job, and I'm talking about a real job."

"A lot of those people probably never should've have been felons, or they've paid their price. They've got families. They've got kids. They can't get credit. They can't get a home. They struggle to get a job. And they deserve a second chance."

"No one believes that just sending more money to Washington is going to fix the ... problems we got."

"I would give e [the Democratic primary] tome to sort out...There's a lot of people running, some are qualified - some are completely inexperienced, by the way, which I find shocking that they would consider themselves qualified- I'm not going to give you their names." 

"A 'Social Democrat' means stringer welfare nets and training programs, sharing the wealth a little more, I think those are fundamentally different things [from socialism]."

"A lot of Democrats I know want a more equitable society. They wouldn't say [socialism] is the answer."

Tough one, right? 

The equality message is vintage Bernie/Warren, while the social wokeness sounds like Booker or Kamala Harris or Gillibrand, yet the unsubtle rejection of pure socialism makes this sounds like more of a Beto//Amy Klobuchar.

But what if we told you that these things weren't said by an official candidate, but by a still unofficial one: Jamie Dimon.

The Khaleesi of Wall Street has been on something of a tear in the last day or so, announcing a bold social initiative at JPMorgan and then going on CNN Business to sit down with Poppy Harlow in an interview that was one flag lapel pin short of an actual campaign event.

We know you're all sick of us telling you that Jamie is running, but you might want to stop bitching at us and tell him to cut it out because he is currently a more visible and plausible nominee than Tulsi Gabbard, John Hickenlooper, and Jay Inslee combined.

And all three of those people are actually running, so you do get the gist? 


Jamie Dimon Candidate

Jamie Dimon Lies To CNBC About His 2020 Plans

Another brick falls from the facade hiding the #DraftDimon movement.


With One Tweet, Trump Justifies Jamie Dimon's Year-Long Crusade Of Unsubtle Trolling

The Khaleesi of Wall Street has gathered his armies, and the moment is upon us.

(Getty Images)

Man Who Made $31.5 Million Last Year Still Not A Fan Of Socialism

Comrade Sanders is threatening to erode society, by which Jamie Dimon presumably means his $1.7 billion (and growing!) fortune.


And Now, Some Words From Someone Who Is Totally Not Running For President, Jamie Dimon

Doesn't every bank CEO speak sonorously of American promise and augur the menace of socialism in their annual letters?


JPMorgan Performatively Getting Out Of The Private Prison Business And...Don't Make Us Say It

Siri, what's something you'd make your bank do if you wanted to run for President?


Jamie Dimon Thinks That Things Are Looking Good Out There, Muses That They Could Perhaps Look Better

The Khaleesi of Wall Street is entering the "Dopey" portion of his pre-campaign rope-a-dope.