After what seemed like an epoch of consecutive days with markets ending in the red, the White House has finally unleashed it's smarmiest weapon in the fight against investor cynicism.

That's right, nerds, Larry Kudlow is back on television to pump up the stock market!

FoxNews managed to get Kuddles back on camera by [we presume] leaving a Paul Stuart gift certificate inside a tiger cage on the White House lawn. In the resulting interview with Bret Baier, we got our answer to our 48-hour long nightmare of slowly panicking over Larry's whereabouts.

Apparently, homeboy was recharging the old batteries, because we got Peak Kuddles last night.

According to Larry, trade talks with China are going swimmingly, the economy is strong as fuck, tariffs have actually been great for the US economy, free trade is bullshit, economic growth will cure every problem in America, the US tax code is actually too progressive, and he's going to put socialism on trial like OJ. 

None of it was logical but dammit if it didn't sound right. Larry Kudlow is magic and 4 long days of bearishness requires a real magician! 

And did it work? You bet your sweet ass it di-

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Clearly, we just need more Larry Kudlow.