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Citigroup revenue? Down! Goldman revenue? Way down! Goldman paychecks? Down even more!

Bank of America revenue? Technically down, but essentially flat! Brian Moynihan’s whole business model? Still not trusted.

The lender reported Tuesday that its net profit rose 6% in the first quarter to $7.3 billion, beating analyst expectations. Yet shares still fell in early trading….

This year, with the Federal Reserve on pause, rate expectations pared back and GDP growth slowing, net interest income will likely rise only around 3%, he said…. But he stressed that the bank makes decisions based on client demand for loans and deposits—not its expectations on future rates, which could easily be wrong.

“We’re a bank, not a hedge fund,” he said.

But hedge funds are likely to keep pushing Bank of America’s share price around with the daily movements in rates. The stock won’t stabilize until interest-rate expectations get more settled.

Bank of America’s Profit Rises on Consumer-Unit Growth [WSJ]
Bank of America: Blowing in the Wind [WSJ]
Citigroup’s Profit Lifted by Consumer Banking [WSJ]



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Very on-brand for America’s most hapless Irish dad.


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It was fun while it lasted, though, right, buddy?

Brian Moynihan/Getty Images

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How do you say, "low six-month fix" in emojis? Helar Lukats [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons

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Failing to keep track of the untrackable is proving very expensive for banks.

Moynihan (Getty Images)

Brian Moynihan Tries To Call Jamie Dimon A P*ssy With Spectacular Self-Own

Pfffft. Who isn’t living in an unrelenting hellscape all the time? God.


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If the money’s not coming from I-banking, it doesn’t count.

Brian Moynihan/Getty Images

Brian Moynihan, Mike Corbat Paid $24.5M, $19M For Overseeing Wall Street’s Worst Banks Of 2020

Sure, things were bad enough for Corbat to essentially get fired, but not bad enough to keep him from an eight-figure payday.