In what we can only describe as our personal version of "Avengers: Endgame," the president and his menagerie of adult children have filed suit against whatever is left of Deutsche Bank in order to prevent Congress from getting a clear picture of the Faustian clusterfuck that is the business relationship between Deutsche Bank and the Trump family.
In the suit, filed in federal court in Manhattan, the president and his family members argue that the Democratic House committee leaders who issued the subpoenas engaged in a broad overreach.
“This case involves congressional subpoenas that have no legitimate or lawful purpose,” the suit alleges. “The subpoenas were issued to harass President Donald J. Trump, to rummage through every aspect of his personal finances, his businesses and the private information of the president and his family, and to ferret about for any material that might be used to cause him political damage. No grounds exist to establish any purpose other than a political one.”
As we've talked about here more than a few times, Trump's Deutsche Bank loans almost certainly provide a window into the Trump Organization's habit of not being entirely honest about its finances, but some tinfoil hat types still see them as the likeliest source of Russian leverage over Trump and his family.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, Deutsche spent years being the only lender thirsty enough to bank The Donald, and also the only bank with internal controls so nonexistent that it managed to take a quasi-active role in a $10 billion Russian money laundering scheme. And while it has never seemed entirely likely that the Trump Organization was involved in an opaque equities trading crime [because that would require both access to the secret plot and basic level of financial sophistication], it has occurred to more than a few people that Deutsche Bank has been rather indiscriminately moving to offload its massive non-performing debt portfolio for years now, and few things in the world are more inert performers than Donald Trump's debts.
Factoring in what we know about how European banks panicked over the past decade and how money flowed through the Cypriot banking system and how badly Deutsche wanted to move its bad assets after the crisis, there's enough smoke to have fun contemplating the fire behind conspiracy theories of where Trump's paper ended up.
But we're also 90% certain that nothing is going to come of this other than watching Trump performatively squirm. We aren't even reading into any deeper meaning of the lawsuit, to be honest, Trump sues out of reflex. This isn't even the first time he's sued Deutsche Bank. The idea that Trump might not even know what happened to his debt feels not just possible, but breathtakingly likely. On the issue of whether or not Trump's Deutsche documents will yield evidence of the Trump Family fraudulently misstating their wealth and assets depending on what the situation called for, we are more clear: they will.
And Deutsche Bank will almost certainly do everything it can to comply with Congress because it literally cannot afford not to.
When Deutsche Bank decided to act against its Teutonic instincts in the 90s and lend money to the most consistently bankrupt man in American real estate, it knew it was taking a risk. But we are literally giggling as we realize that not even the most creative actuary in the whole of Frankfurt could have conceived of a moment when the resulting debt from that loan would be the focus of a Congressional investigation into fraud and potential Russian money laundering used to exert influence over President Donald Trump. It's the most patently absurd thing we've ever heard, and yet...we are living it.
What we have here is the logical conclusion to almost thirty years of bad decision-making by a litany of people who should know better, and also the Trump Family. And we are not at all surprised to find that the whole thing is going to play out in a moist fritto misto of lawsuits, political theater and Eric Trump going on FoxNews to say stupid shit about a situation he clearly only vaguely understands.
We love when a long and layered plot spanning multiple narratives comes together, but part of us wishes that we could at least get a fat, bearded and drunk John Cryan back for the final scene.