The whole college bribery scandal gave us a pretty good jolt of schadenfreude, but overall it left us feeling a little...off. If we can no longer assume that plebes will see elite college degrees as talismans of innate supremacy, what does that mean for the underpinnings of the finance industry? If college admissions are revealed to be bullshit, does that stop Goldman Sachs from recruiting Harvard juniors, or brand name hedge funds from pretending that history majors from Williams are "well-rounded thinkers?"
And if elite colleges are not to be feared, what's the point of making all that money to send your progeny to one? WHAT ARE WE EVEN FUCKING DOING HERE?
Wait, here's some good news...
This is one college side hustle a recent Yale grad might be regretting.
Omar Zaki, 21, ran a hedge fund while enrolled at the Ivy League university, saying his firm relied on an algorithm that had produced eye-popping returns over a 10-year period, according to the Securities and Exchange Commission.
Oh, thank you, Ivy League Jesus. If some kids are still leveraging their status inside Ivy League schools to bilk idiots out of their money, then hope remains that the old guard still has power...
The misrepresentation is one of many that Zaki allegedly made to investors, the SEC said in a Monday complaint. In reality, the fund never used the algorithm, misled investors about how much money it managed and wrongly reported returns in excess of 80 percent from December 2016 through early March 2017, according to the SEC.
This kid kept it old school by being utterly full of shit about being innovative. We love this...the only way that could make it better is it Zaki marketed the whole thing as a--
Zaki, who told investors he managed $3 million, raised $1.7 million from 11 clients from January 2017 to February 2018 by marketing a biotechnology trading strategy.
Ugh. We love this kid. And we think it's a tragedy that he's graduated into unemployment. The man is a guardian of Wall Street's barely-breathing legacy. Surely he has a future in this game.
If Zaki is going to follow in the footsteps of Ken Griffin, who famously started trading convertible bonds from his Harvard dorm room, he will have to be patient. As part of the SEC settlement, Zaki agreed to a bar on working as an investment adviser, with the right to reapply after three years.
Sit by the phone, Omar, Steve Cohen will be calling in three years. And thank you for your service.