The whole college bribery scandal gave us a pretty good jolt of schadenfreude, but overall it left us feeling a little...off. If we can no longer assume that plebes will see elite college degrees as talismans of innate supremacy, what does that mean for the underpinnings of the finance industry? If college admissions are revealed to be bullshit, does that stop Goldman Sachs from recruiting Harvard juniors, or brand name hedge funds from pretending that history majors from Williams are "well-rounded thinkers?"

And if elite colleges are not to be feared, what's the point of making all that money to send your progeny to one? WHAT ARE WE EVEN FUCKING DOING HERE?

Wait, here's some good news...

This is one college side hustle a recent Yale grad might be regretting.

Omar Zaki, 21, ran a hedge fund while enrolled at the Ivy League university, saying his firm relied on an algorithm that had produced eye-popping returns over a 10-year period, according to the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Oh, thank you, Ivy League Jesus. If some kids are still leveraging their status inside Ivy League schools to bilk idiots out of their money, then hope remains that the old guard still has power...

The misrepresentation is one of many that Zaki allegedly made to investors, the SEC said in a Monday complaint. In reality, the fund never used the algorithm, misled investors about how much money it managed and wrongly reported returns in excess of 80 percent from December 2016 through early March 2017, according to the SEC.

This kid kept it old school by being utterly full of shit about being innovative. We love this...the only way that could make it better is it Zaki  marketed the whole thing as a--

Zaki, who told investors he managed $3 million, raised $1.7 million from 11 clients from January 2017 to February 2018 by marketing a biotechnology trading strategy.

Ugh. We love this kid. And we think it's a tragedy that he's graduated into unemployment. The man is a guardian of Wall Street's barely-breathing legacy. Surely he has a future in this game.

If Zaki is going to follow in the footsteps of Ken Griffin, who famously started trading convertible bonds from his Harvard dorm room, he will have to be patient. As part of the SEC settlement, Zaki agreed to a bar on working as an investment adviser, with the right to reapply after three years.

Sit by the phone, Omar, Steve Cohen will be calling in three years. And thank you for your service.

Yale Grad Accused of Running Hedge Fund Scam While in School [Bloomberg]

Related

David Shaw Ivy Hedge

David Shaw Made A Beautiful Hedge Trade On His Kids' Academic Futures

Throwing $1 million every year for a decade at Harvard, Stanford, Yale and Princeton, but giving only half that to Brown and Columbia? That's just solid asset management.

Barnett SBB

Guy Who Founded $400 Million Hedge Fund In His Dorm Furious To Be Sued By The SEC

Samuel Barnett is not sure what the feds mean about "a decade of fraud."

Screen Shot 2019-02-22 at 5.24.35 PM

John Havens Gently Tugged Into Retirement By His Own Hedge Fund

Getting caught paying $70 for a South Florida handjob is one way to get out of the hedge fund industry.

(Trump image courtesy Flickr user Gage Skidmore)

Dying Industry Pins Hope On Idiots Buying Into An Impossible Trade Deal

Hedge funds are finding Alpha in the fallacy of a US/China trade accord.

Screen Shot 2019-02-05 at 4.41.16 PM

After WeWork's Epic Buttfumble, SEC No Longer Curious How Snap IPO Happened

Jay Clayton's people come to the conclusion that this IPO market might not be technically criminal, but it is certainly very extremely dumb.

DE Shaw Shrug

DE Shaw Telling Its Traders To Leave Now Or Pretty Much Stay Forever

The Daniel Michalow apostate storyline is coming to a head at everybody's favorite ur-quant fund.

(Getty Images)

So Maybe The SEC Does Need Whistleblowers’ Help?

One soon-to-be-defunct hedge fund was doing all sorts of allegedly improper accounting while the regulator watched.

Martin Shkreli

Martin Shkreli "Didn't" Call The WSJ From Prison To Remind Everyone That He Is Still Doing Crimes

Giving a thinly-veiled anonymous interview on a contraband cellphone to brag about how he is illegally running a pharma business from prison reminds us why we miss this guy.