As some of you might have noticed, the market is getting pummeled today as the reality of an inevitable trade war with China seeps into our shared consciousness.
With less than an hour to go, the major indices are in deep red, almost purple. And President Trump's favorite barometer of self-worth -- the Dow -- is down about 550 points with less than two hours to go on the day. At one point, it was down about 750 points. In CNBC parlance; it's a bloodbath out there.
But it's more of a cleansing slaughter if we're honest. This stalemate with China has seemed like the most probable outcome for months now despite the Trump administration using every available medium of communication to convince Americans and the markets that a deal was - like - almost completely done. And, for some inconceivable reason, you fucking people believed it, allowing every vague tweet and Larry Kudlow whiny lecture to become a market event, setting the floor for a big bounce. Today was the day that you sad monsters finally saw through the bullshit, realized that China is not in thrall to The Donald, and decided to get real light in the whole exposure department.
And then this happened.
That's Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin muttering something to CNBC about the possibility of a deal being a thing that might exist and sharing his assumption that China will still buy US debt. As a video clip, it is chock-full of the kind of mouth-breathing cadaverous charisma that we have come to expect from The Mnooks, and the substance of what he had to say is about as thick as a plot summary of a "Real Housewives" episode. Basically, this is a whole lotta droopy-lipped nothing.
And yet, look at this:
That's the market getting genuinely bullish in response to that clip.
Listen, we get that toxic relationships work in cycles, buoyed along by habitual co-dependent behaviors, but this is ridiculous. Sure, Steve Mnuchin is the actual Treasury Secretary, but he's also actually Steve Mnuchin. He's lying to you, because that's who he is.
We'll put it like this, Wall Street: Steve Mnuchin is not your boyfriend. He's a guy that will tell you whatever you need to hear so that he can hit it and quit it. The kind of guy who texts "You up?" when he knows damn well that you're up, and sweating that VIX short you thought was so clever. Steve Mnuchin is not your man because, at his core, Steve Mnuchin is a fuckboi.
You need to stop doing this Wall Street. You are better than this. You need guard your treasure.
Instead of acting like the rational mechanism through which capital flows, you're acting like a desperate single mom who thinks she's having a love affair with a flashy local businessman, even though he's married...and clearly a sociopath. No matter how many times he or his slimy friends tell you that he's about to finally leave his wife, we both know he ain't leaving that wife. You are worthy of love, Wall Street. And this? This is not love.
Going into the last hour of trading, we are okay with you acting bullish after a day that felt pretty dark at times, but please be bullish for the right reasons. Trump is gonna tweet, Kudlow is clearly trying to get fired and Steve Mnuchin is merely Steve Mnuchin. Stop acting like a needy, broken doormat and stand up for yourself. You're a special flower, Wall Street, and you deserve an honest gardener.