Jamie Dimon seduced Adam Neumann in what we assume was a "Dangerous Liaisons" wager scenario with Lloyd Blankfein.

WeWork is somehow still set to go public next month despite being WeWork, and that's staggeringly funny by itself. But according to a fun piece from Bloomberg, it appears that some pretty serious Wall Street types are drinking WeWork's K̶o̶o̶l̶-̶A̶i̶d̶ Kombucha. Chiefly among them, once-promising political figure: JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon:

As WeWork prepares for an initial public offering next month, Dimon’s bank is helping Neumann’s company line up its most ambitious fundraising yet: a $6 billion package of debt financing that depends upon the IPO raising at least $3 billion. Behind the scenes, JPMorgan has indicated it will contribute $800 million of the loans, more than any other lender. The bank also is expected to take the coveted first -- or lead left -- position in WeWork’s syndicate for the IPO, giving the firm bragging rights and a hefty chunk of the fees.

JPMorgan has apparently been working its's octagonal ass off to be the first bank in line to be disappointed by the WeWork IPO. That's...interesting. But in Jamie & Co.'s defense, they have clearly figured out how to best appeal to WeWork's interests:

JPMorgan’s ties to WeWork CEO Neumann and his company are varied. The bank led an offering earlier this year of commercial mortgages including one for a building where WeWork is completing an 11-floor build-out of a boutique office within walking distance of two of Neumann’s Manhattan apartments. JPMorgan also issued him mortgages so he could buy one of those homes and one in Westchester County, according to public filings. And a savings plan for JPMorgan’s own employees has put roughly $800,000 into WeWork’s junk-rated debt.

The thin, extremely blurred line between the company WeWork and the finances of its co-founder and CEO is a very rich vein to plumb, and Jamie hath apparently gotten all up in there. However, in what is the best part of this Bloomberg piece --and maybe a top-five anecdote for 2019 so far-- Jamie was not the first bold-face CEO to try to seduce Neumann directly:

Goldman’s efforts were publicly visible in December, when the firm’s former CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, palled around with the entrepreneur at a charity event. Taking the podium, Neumann told an audience packed with Wall Street leaders about getting to know Blankfein, marveling at his ability to hold court on any topic.

“We have been having so much fun,” Neumann said, gesturing to the banker. One time, over dinner, “Lloyd said, ‘Ask me anything,’ and I said, ‘Spanish Inquisition -- go!’ And you said so many names and so many things I didn’t even know existed. It was amazing.”

We're not sure what gives us more joy from this little tale; Neumann's spoiled little princeling routine of making Lloyd dance for him, or Blankfein's decision to just make up a bunch of bullshit about the Spanish Inquisition right there on the spot, knowing full well that Neumann didn't know anything about the Spanish Inquisition but would never admit to it.

Nevertheless, it encapsulates perfectly why any bank tying itself to the rocket that is the WeWork IPO is destined to realize that they are really just handcuffed to a stick of millennial bullshit dynamite.

But congrats to Jamie on the big deal...we hope you build a motherfucker of a greenshoe.

JPMorgan’s WeWork IPO Pursuit Was Many Years and Loans in the Making [Bloomberg]


Lloyd Blankfein Finally Gets To Be The Prettiest Girl At The Ball

Time was, Jamie Dimon was the most popular CEO on Wall Street and America's "Least Hated Banker," for reasons that included the fact that the man has soulful blue eyes, charisma out the ass, and was in charge of one of the banks that a) didn't go out of business during the financial crisis, like Lehman and Bear and b) supposedly didn't actually need the bailout money the government made it take (as JD has said previously), like Bank of America and Citigroup. The man, in the hearts of many and especially the adoring press, could do no wrong. Which is why it probably stung a lot that Lloyd Blankfein, a Wall Street CEO who also possesses more charm than a person would know what do do with, who was also in charge of a bank that neither went out of business during the financial crisis nor required the bailout money it was forced to take (according to GS), and who is also the owner of a pair of baby blues, though in his case ones that sparkle, could only do wrong. And while LB is not one to gloat at another's misfortune, especially that of a friend, he's obviously feeling pretty good about being living proof of the old saying, "only one Wall Street CEO's balls can be in a vise at a time," and right now it's JD's turn. Dimon did not attend the annual Robin Hood Foundation party [last night], but Blankfein was there, enjoying a rare night out of the spotlight. He shook hands, introduced his wife and, grinning broadly, posed for pictures. For months, Goldman Sachs has been portrayed as the callous Wall Street behemoth whose executives collected giant bonuses while America's housing crisis worsened and unemployment rose. But Monday night was different. "No one cares about Lloyd tonight. It is Jamie against the world, and that's got to feel good for Lloyd," another hedge fund manager said. And this is just the beginning. First, they stop calling you Satan and claiming you poisoned their food, next glowing profiles and cover stories devoting major column inches to your rippling biceps and the throngs of women you beat off with a stick. Dimon Pushes Blankfein Off Hot Seat At Charity Gala [Reuters] Robin Hood Scene: Blankfein, Soros, Rihanna [Bloomberg/Photo]