According to one of his longtime confidantes, Jeffrey Epstein was not a sicko: he was just sick. So argues scientist Stuart Pivar, who in an off-the-cuff interview to Mother Jones a few weeks ago, claimed that Epstein was plagued by a rare disease that made him horny all the time:

Jeffrey had a severe case of what’s called satyriasis, the male counterpart of nymphomania. [H]e was beset with [this] pathology, like a disease.

Pivar, who said Epstein was his “best pal for decades,” acknowledged that he had witnessed Epstein’s virulent libido “at close range.” Despite his own claims that Epstein “did stuff with underage the hundreds,” Pivar continued to mount a dubious defense of Epstein, in which he blamed the transgressions of his fallen friend on this supposed malady.

As it happens, satyriasis, or sex addiction, is not listed among the over 300 conditions detailed in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual for Psychiatric Disorders (DSM-V). But that didn’t stop Pivar from rebranding Epstein's predatory behavior as a serious medical condition:

Jeffrey was a very, very, very sick man. He couldn’t help himself, he was afflicted with [satyriasis]. If he had tuberculosis it wouldn’t be called a perversion, would it? Because he coughed too much?

Perhaps Pivar’s perspective can help us better understand some of the world’s infamous financial scandals. 

Maybe Theranos’s Elizabeth Holmes wasn’t a con-artist, but just an overwhelmed visionary struggling with Imposter’s Syndrome. 

Maybe Enron’s Kenneth Lay wasn’t a crook, but just a kind old man whose Intermittent Hoarding Disorder caused him to make a few inaccurate statements. 

And J.P Morgan's infamous “London Whale”? Treatment-Resistant Gambling Disorder is no joke and the very fact that you had to ask shows that you are part of the problem.

There was, however, one incident that gave Pivar pause. He spoke with one of his Epstein’s victims, Maria Farmer, who confided in Pivar that Epstein had abused her at his Ohio estate alongside longtime accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell, whom Epstein entrusted with procuring new underage girls, or as Maxwell called them; “nubiles."

Pivar found Maria’s account harrowing, as well as that of Maria’s sister Annie, who was also assaulted by Epstein and Maxwell, this time at Epstein’s ‘Zoro’ ranch in New Mexico (the one he planned to use as a site to inseminate women en masse to create a superior race of piano-playing math geniuses). 

But while Pivar showed genuine empathy for the traumatized Farmer sisters, he had far less compassion for the scores of Epstein’s other victims. From his perspective, the underage girls ensnared in Epstein’s predatory circle knew what they were getting themselves into:

Jeffrey... [dealt] with a bunch of women who were totally complicit. For years, they went, came there time and time and time again. He did stuff with underage girls who knew what the hell they were doing.

He expressed specific doubt about Virginia Giuffre’s account, who accused both Alan Dershowitz and Prince Andrew of sexual assault, saying, “[t]hat trollop… has made an industry for herself out of inventing calumnies against all these respectable people.” While Pivar found much of Epstein’s behavior “inexcusable,” he reminded us that “that’s the thing satyriasists do -- because they can’t help themselves!”

Maybe Stuart Pivar himself is afflicted with "a rare disease." In fact, he shows all the symptoms of White Glove Syndrome, or what doctors call Affluenzal Cathected Hypochondriacism (ACH). This highly-selective disorder gives patients an intense desire to launder the nefarious crimes of their wealthy friends by inventing medical disorders to which to attribute their otherwise-unpardonable behavior. 

From the perspective of ACH patients, there are only two types of people: powerful friends whose real-life-Pizzagate atrocities require constant pathologization, and the lying floozies who abuse their largesse. 

So, who's the real victim here?

Follow Jack Farley on Twitter @JackFarley96.