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As the zero-commission trading craze takes hold of the consumer finance world, companies are searching with increased desperation to keep revenues flowing while also staying competitive.

TD Ameritrade joined Schwab this morning in announcing that it will eliminate all commission fees for all online trades. That signifies a potential 28% cut to the company's revenue and presents an existential threat to the industry as a whole. No firm fell more immediately into the focus of analyst crosshairs on commission fee concerns than E*Trade. But the New York-based trading platform has moved quickly to assuage market concerns, announcing in the last few minutes that it is moving ahead with a bold new strategy to retain customers without losing 17% of its revenue base.

Per a press release seen only by Dealbreaker dot com, E*Trade will resist the pressure to eliminate commissions by incentivizing customers to trade more in exchange for the ultimate reward: an adorable puppy.

E*TRADE Financial Corporation (NASDAQ:ETFC) announced today that it has unveiled a new paradigm for its commission-based online exchange-listed stock, ETF (domestic and Canadian), and option trades platform. Clients trading on E*Trade will now be rewarded for their trading activity by being immediately eligible to receive a new free golden retriever puppy after executing 100 trades. 

“We are committed to giving our clients not just the best trading experience on the internet, but the best life overall and that means giving them an adorable dog to take care of” said Mike Pizzi, chief executive officer of E*Trade. “We're well aware that the environment in our industry is moving quickly towards a zero-commission environment, but we think it's a much more holistic user experience to keep our revenue on executing trades, and then leveraging a small portion of that income to acquire an operate a massive puppy mill in rural Pennsylvania. We look forward to seeing all the Grams of our valued E*Traders holding their new puppies and crying while they see the returns on their Peloton stock purchases."

Pizzi goes on to say that some E*Traders will be eligible for pitbulls at 1000 trades and that the model could easily be adjusted to offer cats or reptiles. Regardless, the company appears more than ready to put a stake in the road and defend its commission inflows. The lack of subtlety in E*Trade's new strategy is apparent when you look at how the company is framing it. "We think it's high time for E*Trade to tell its cowardly competitors like TD Ameritrade and Schwab to eat shit," said an E*Trade spokeswoman. "We got puppies, and we're going to win. So fuck Chuck!"

[No link because this is obviously satire, you idiots]


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