Anything Jamie Dimon Can Do Badly Wells Can Do Worse - Dealbreaker

Banks are not in the best shape these days, what with the zero interest rates and collapsing economy and mandate to make billions and billions of loans, many of which will not be paid back. Take the nation’s leading bank, JPMorgan Chase: It has set aside some $7 billion to cover those defaults, and may set aside more, which when combined with everything else adds up to a 70% drop in first-quarter profit.

Well, they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and Wells Fargo has been doing everything it can to imitate the House of Dimon, much to the latter’s annoyance. In terms of COVID-19 earnings reports, however, Wells has got JPMC beat, raising its 70% drop with an 89% quarterly profit evaporation, which when averaged out among all shares produces this hopelessly poetic number.

Banking giant Wells Fargo reported first quarter earnings numbers Tuesday morning of one penny per share. Wall Street was looking for 54 cents, but included in that figure was a 73 cent expense related to the fallout from the Covid-19 pandemic.

JPMorgan Prepares for Wave of Defaults Linked to Coronavirus Shutdown [WSJ]
Wells Fargo Profit Drops 89% as it Girds for Soured Loans [WSJ]
Wells Fargo Earned 1 Penny in the First Quarter. Why the Stock Is Rising Anyway. [Barron’s]
Bank Stocks Are in a Ditch. Earnings Won’t Change That. [WSJ]


By World Economic Forum (Flickr: The Global Financial Context: James Dimon) [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

(Earnings) Season’s Greetings

Nothing is f*cked, dude.

(Getty Images)

Jamie Dimon Is Getting Lonely

And if you’re a JPMorgan trader, it’s your job to keep him company.

Getty Images

Famously Public-Minded Bank Doing All It Can To Help Out

Which, in Wells Fargo’s case, is not much, so don’t ask.

(Getty Images)

Jamie Dimon’s Minions Have Been Keeping Busy

Several hundred of them on projects unrelated to JPMorgan Chase, but you’ve got to admire their gumption and ability to fill out forms.

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Serial Bummer Jay Clayton Takes The Fun Out Of Coronavirus Bailouts

The first rule of bailout money is: Talk a lot about what you’re doing with your bailout money.

By World Economic Forum (Flickr: The Global Financial Context: James Dimon) [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Infected JPMorgan Employees Haven’t Spread COVID To Bank’s Bottom Line

Citigroup, on the other hand, is still feeling under the weather.

Image adapted from Flickr User Aranami.

Lawsuit: Banks Using Stimulus Money To Stimulate Their Relationships With Top Customers

Others need not apply. Or, they can, but expect that application to get lost in a mountain of paperwork.

Goldman Sachs Dress Code

The Part Of Goldman Sachs David Solomon Is Getting Rid Of Posts Record Quarter

You won’t need to worry about profits doubling once Marcus is in charge.