Banks are not in the best shape these days, what with the zero interest rates and collapsing economy and mandate to make billions and billions of loans, many of which will not be paid back. Take the nation’s leading bank, JPMorgan Chase: It has set aside some $7 billion to cover those defaults, and may set aside more, which when combined with everything else adds up to a 70% drop in first-quarter profit.

Well, they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and Wells Fargo has been doing everything it can to imitate the House of Dimon, much to the latter’s annoyance. In terms of COVID-19 earnings reports, however, Wells has got JPMC beat, raising its 70% drop with an 89% quarterly profit evaporation, which when averaged out among all shares produces this hopelessly poetic number.

Banking giant Wells Fargo reported first quarter earnings numbers Tuesday morning of one penny per share. Wall Street was looking for 54 cents, but included in that figure was a 73 cent expense related to the fallout from the Covid-19 pandemic.

JPMorgan Prepares for Wave of Defaults Linked to Coronavirus Shutdown [WSJ]
Wells Fargo Profit Drops 89% as it Girds for Soured Loans [WSJ]
Wells Fargo Earned 1 Penny in the First Quarter. Why the Stock Is Rising Anyway. [Barron’s]
Bank Stocks Are in a Ditch. Earnings Won’t Change That. [WSJ]

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Wells Fargo Bless this Mess

Wells, BofA Prove Stimulus Is Working By Not Looking Like Dogsh*t In Q1

If even they are inoculated, there’s hope for us all.

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Wells, JPMorgan Saving A Great St. Patrick’s Day Present For You

Other banks have chosen getting stimulus money to their customers ASAP, but the big guys are planning a green gift on the greenest day.

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You’ve Heard From The Best, Now Hear From The Rest

Wall Street’s also-rans confirm that the second quarter was a good one indeed for banks.

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(Earnings) Season’s Greetings

Nothing is f*cked, dude.

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Jamie Dimon Is Getting Lonely

And if you’re a JPMorgan trader, it’s your job to keep him company.

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The not-46th-president-of-the-United-States made history this week all the same.

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Famously Public-Minded Bank Doing All It Can To Help Out

Which, in Wells Fargo’s case, is not much, so don’t ask.

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Jamie Dimon’s Minions Have Been Keeping Busy

Several hundred of them on projects unrelated to JPMorgan Chase, but you’ve got to admire their gumption and ability to fill out forms.