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Former vice president and presumptive Democratic president nominee Joe Biden is still being kept under lock-and-key in a Wilmington basement, issuing the occasional message to his future constituents and rising in the polls the only way he knows how, which is to say by being invisible. But right here it looks like we’ve gotten another transmission from beneath Barley Mill Road.

It is my fervent hope that we use this crisis as a catalyst to rebuild an economy that creates and sustains opportunity for dramatically more people, especially those who have been left behind for too long. The last few months have laid bare the reality that, even before the pandemic hit, far too many people were living on the edge….

Unfortunately, low-income communities and people of color are being hit the hardest, exacerbating the health and economic inequities that were already unacceptably pronounced before the virus took over…. An inclusive economy – in which there is widespread access to opportunity – is a stronger, more resilient economy. This crisis must serve as a wake-up call and a call to action for business and government to think, act and invest for the common good and confront the structural obstacles that have inhibited inclusive economic growth for years.

Wait, that’s not Joe Biden—you can tell by the complete, coherent sentences. It’s Jamie Dimon (which doesn't mean you won't hear these same words from Biden's mouth any minute now), who is still definitely not running for president, right?

Dimon said he would soon share his ideas on how the rehiring of workers and reopening of small businesses could help create a more inclusive economy.

Jamie Dimon says coronavirus crisis is ‘wake-up call’ for a more inclusive economy [CNBC]


Jamie Dimon Candidate

Michael Bloomberg Thinking About Running For President Again As Jamie Dimon Continues To Solve All Of America’s Problems

The wrong billionaire is about to get mauled by Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren in the primaries.

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Dimon 2024!

It begins anew.

By World Economic Forum (Flickr: The Global Financial Context: James Dimon) [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Firing Watch ’22: Jamie Dimon Is Itching To Make An Example Of You Anti-Vaxxers

Stand in the way of his forcing people back to the office, get canned.

Jamie Dimon Candidate

Jamie Dimon, Who Is Definitely Not Running For President, Unveils Newest Criminal Justice Reform Plan

Give him your hungry, your tired, your convicted felons yearning to, uh, say hello to people as they enter a Chase branch.

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Jamie Dimon Runs His 2024 Presidential Platform By Guy He Plans To Replace

The next president of the United States is from Queens, but it won’t be the last president of the United States from Queens.