From the sound of it, Coral Cables Asset Management chief David Coggins wasn’t much of a hedge fund manager. This might have proven a surprise to his investors, what with the “Performance Sheets” trumpeting “37 months of positive monthly performance” and a “perfect 2017,” both of which are hard to reconcile with an account overdrawn to the tune of $1,180, according to the SEC. It would not have been a surprise to the accountant who Coggins allegedly asked to simply “put your company logo on it and sign off on it that’s it.”

“In response, the accountant wrote: ‘You have to find some other sucker!! I don’t do this crooked work at all!!!’”

His lack of success in his professed endeavors (and we do mean professed: According to the SEC, Coggins’ resume boasting 15 years’ experience, running a half-billion dollars for a private bank and stints with well-known brokerages and banks were “false and misleading”) notwithstanding, Coggins was running something called “Coral Gables Asset Management.” That requires cutting a certain figure along South Dixie Highway, and Coggins certainly did so.

Coggins wired $15,000 to his divorce lawyers, withdrew $3,700 in cash, and made a car payment on his BMW,” the complaint said. “Over the next thirty days, Coggins used over $14,000 of Investor No. 1‘s money for expensive restaurants, air travel, hotels, and shopping.”

Miami hedge fund owner paid for divorce lawyers, BMW with stolen $450,000, SEC says [Miami Herald]