Banks

Or, you know, to help it stay afloat.

America’s least competent bank ripping off former customers is the stuff of the senator’s angry dreams.

But really, who at the bank hasn’t been indicted in Malaysia at this point?

Progress, but not time to shout out a celebratory, “Basta!”

We sense a trend, you guys.

Jamie Dimon seduced Adam Neumann in what we assume was a "Dangerous Liaisons" wager scenario with Lloyd Blankfein.

An insider tells us that The Stagecoach is asking non-customer facing telecommuters to uproot their lives or find a new job.

Jamie Dimon is apparently quite unimpressed with his Summer People.

The board is saying "HSBC ya later!" to its still-brand-new CEO.

Happy Friday, Wells Fargo tech vendors, we hope you like irony!

And unfortunately for Edward Bramson and the 3,000 of you without jobs, it’s not in the “deemphasize the investment bank” kind of way.

...analysis.

‘Cuz that’s the only thing Credit Suisse is failing at these days.

Only 140,000 Social Security numbers were stolen, the other 99% are almost definitely safe...wait, what?

Citi's background check situation is not...strong?

Everyone else is doing it, so now Michael Corbat is too.

Jes Staley, who once bought a hedge fund with Epstein’s help, is taking his piece of Deutsche Bank’s prime brokerage.

Admitting to collecting fees from a notorious sex criminal is somehow only the third-worst thing that has happened to Deutsche Bank in the last 24 hours.

When's the last time you heard about Deutsche uncovering some weird transactions?...Wait, don't answer that.

Due to new office policy, One Wells Fargo Center literally has The McSh!ts.

These Hong Kong prosecutors just don’t understand the nuances of the slang and jargon of investment bankers.

No, James Gorman isn’t any more interested in hearing about how great retail banks are doing, either, thank you.

C Allen Parker has increased profits despite flat revenue, and he wants out very very badly.

The Citi chief has scratched and clawed his way to the top from the depths, and he’s not gonna let anyone—least of all bankers—drag him back down.

Cathy Bessant is at the top of the list, but this IS Wells Fargo.

What's the German compound word for "Get off my lawn!"?

J.D. & co. are betting that’ll be enough to keep the twenty- and thirty-somethings rolling in to their local chase branch.

Oh, Deutsche, you beautiful monster.

US Customs has $1 billion of coke with a lot of names on it.

The whole cutting-things-to-the-bone-and-firing-everyone-before-lunch thing totally would have worked seven years ago. Now? Maybe not so much.

Good for you, Symphony.

Yes, this headline would apply no matter what you put after “figure out,” but once again we’re talking about this.

Anybody want to make millions running a $207B megabank?...No?...Ok, then.

You never fail to shock us with your hiring decisions, Wells Fargo.