COVID-19 has shown Edward Bramson that life’s to short to deal with the likes of Jes Staley.
It’s almost as if five years of stern warnings and meaningful shakes of the head haven’t gotten through yet.
It’s not like the bank’s got other pressing issues it needs to deal with now, right?
If even they are inoculated, there’s hope for us all.
Four hundred percent, people! Four hundred percent!
No one’s giving them a blank check anymore.
The Supremes are not at all happy with the Elect.
I mean, we know that’s what Citi investors think, but…
Other banks have chosen getting stimulus money to their customers ASAP, but the big guys are planning a green gift on the greenest day.
Luckily, under its current plan, there will be no need for another awkward conversation on the matter next year.
Never again will a bank have to admit how bad at banking it is in court, at least on this matter.
The rock of respectability has rolled back down the Alps.
You mean to tell me that SoftBank and the Swiss joined forces to back a loser?
You can say and do whatever you want to a dolly-bird tart in old Blighty, as long as she can’t raise the money you need.
They’re feeling very SPACial.
Finders keepers is apparently a genuine precedent under New York State law.
Because at least one of them allegedly found a bank-embarrassing way to make a hundred thousand extra pounds.
Thomas Gottstein has an extra $80 million to spend on, uh, other settlements, probably.
Sure, things were bad enough for Corbat to essentially get fired, but not bad enough to keep him from an eight-figure payday.
You don’t think a bank doing well would hand the reins to someone so conspicuously lacking in a penis if it were doing well, do you?
You don’t become the bank of choice for Eastern European gangsters by posing too many.
In karmically-related news, Deutsche Bank posted its first profit since the Obama Administration.
Apparently not in Hong Kong, anyway.
But Noel Quinn’s not a political man so he’d rather not get in to the obvious implications of that choice.
And David Solomon & co. are still paying for the sins of others.
We know, hard to believe at a firm that’s paid roughly €11ty gazillion in fines the last few years.
D-Sol and J-Gorm really would like to share they year’s bounty with you, but they just can’t right now.
Very on-brand for America’s most hapless Irish dad.
The not-46th-president-of-the-United-States made history this week all the same.
Comply with our subpoenas or, you know, just stop doing any business in the United States.
It definitely says “Thou shalt not cancel my checking account in absence of a mask” in one or all of those.
The Drumpfs need some new banks.
And private equity firms have even bigger concerns.
Unlike the president, Goldman Sachs really did mean it metaphorically.
As usual, it’s going to lose money on it.
BriMoy & co. are gonna hold on to what’s rightfully yours for your own good.
How many it has, and how much it will cost, remains unclear.
Which is too bad for an astonished Credit Suisse.
Really, it was about someone fucking up on our side. Honest.
That kind of predatory nonsense belongs only in the land of the free and the home of the brave.
The Swiss have, as is their wont, precisely quantified the investment bank’s status.
Supreme Court To Decide If Banks Really Need To Be The Things They Say They Are Dek: Honesty
Please rise and raise your right hands and prepare to explain everything everyone named “Trump” ever said to you.