Banks

Donald Trump’s Deutsche Banker scored a pretty nice profit by flipping it, too.

And the second quarter definitely did not kill it!

The Goldman chief found a hell of a potentially unlawful way to celebrate his $3.9 billion settlement of all those unlawful things his bank allegedly did in Malaysia.

Get caught lifting some pregnancy tests from a CVS when you were 18? Visit careers.jpmorgan.com today!

Mommy and Daddy in this case being China and the U.S.

Wait for a politically convenient moment, pay less.

The Swiss don’t believe in procrastinating.

Not a fan of Beijing’s heavy hand? No wealth management services for you!

Didn’t stop David Forbes from saying it, though.

I mean, sure, a 50% jump in profits seems great, but he wouldn’t want to set expectations too high.

Nothing is f*cked, dude.

Joseph Otting has made sure of that.

Turns out no one’s born with the moniker “RELATIONSHIP MANAGER-1.”

Oh, yes, and perhaps had something to do with the sale of Britain’s most successful soccer team? It rings a bit of a bell, now that you ask about it in lawsuit form.

The world’s fattest bank (in more ways than one) is preparing a crash diet.

Someone at the Frankfurt mailroom might want to keep an eye out for envelopes postmarked Albany and Manhattan.

The inevitable Deutsche Bank-Wirecard hookup is nearly here.

Just don’t, like, make too much work for the powers that be.

But not without delivering another, posthumous “F.U.” to the late former Fed chief.

It’s hard to say, but they can get ready to cut some dividend checks.

It’s the perfect Deutsche Bank solution to a problem.

The former proprietor of the world’s largest trading floor is eyeing spare bedrooms, breakfast nooks for one-third of employees.

That, of course, means another round of fines.

That has to be the explanation for her firing, right?

HSBC HR is reopening, big time.

And getting caught for it.

Also, isn’t a $2 billion fine for ripping a country off of $6.5 billion sort of excessive, when you think about it, Attorney General Barr?

Not bad for two year’s work, but it did take a long time to hit the old bank account.

They’re not going to pay you much, but do appreciate your understanding and non-presence.

Maybe next time listen to those voices asking, “Is it a good idea to do business with a sex offender?”

These words mean different, diametrically opposite things in Jim Gorman’s homeland.

There will be no banking intern vomit on Stone Street this year.

Bitcoin might not be worth anything, but banking services definitely are.

RBS pioneers firing by Zoom.