‘Wait, Senator, Don’t You Want To Hear About This Mug Who Said He Had An AI Supercomputer In His Mom’s Basement?’
Selections from the cutting-room floor of Gary Gensler’s Senate Banking Committee testimony.
Elon Musk Will Have Plenty To Tweet About This Week
Getting sued, going to court, getting called a modern-day AOL…
Turns Out Hertz’s Future Not As Bright As Day Traders Hoped
Their first stock market toy is being taken away, and they aren’t getting anything for it.
This Year’s Buffettstock Will Be Boring, But At Least It Will Be Sunny
And also happening. At least for now.
Is Record Whistleblower Award A Lavish Reward Or Major Screw Job?
There’s no way to tell, which is just how Jay Clayton & co. like it.
Area Stock Market Still Being Gaslit By Controlling Older Boyfriend
Why would Larry Kudlow lie to Mr. Market? He LOVES Mr. Market!
China Tells White House "Nice Stock Market You Got There, Would Be A Shame If You Got Mouthy And Something Were To Happen To It"
The Xi Gang is unsubtly telling Team Trump to play along with Beijing if it wants to keep the markets sanguine on a trade deal.
Don't EVEN Talk To Chuck Schwab About These Money-Losing Tech Stocks
Charles Schwab thinks this modern IPO market might be bullsh!t.
Peloton CEO Uses IPO Day To Prove That He's Only Kind Of Been Paying Attention
Hey, when was the last time that admitting to “prioritizing growth over profitability” bitten a tech IPO in the ass?
On China Trade Update, Trump Zigs While Mnuchin...Mnuchins
You guys want to see the new "Who's on first?" routine, but about the slow death of the global economy?
CEOs See Slowdown Because Why Spend Money On Stuff That’s Just Gonna Go Up In Flames At The Imminent End of Days?
A Business Roundtable survey of CEOs shows strong bearish sentiment -- with the possible exception of leaders of companies selling can openers, water-purification kits, freeze-dry foodstuffs, and live ammunition.
WeWork Takes A More Holistic And Forward-Thinking View Of Its Consciousness Regarding The IPO Process
Translation: Masa Son pulled the plug on this thing last night because of course he did.
Man Who Lost To Vanilla Ice On "Dancing With The Stars" Attempts To Quell Oil Market Fears Of Sectarian War In Middle east
When Iranian missiles hit Saudi refineries, Rick Perry is the man you want to hear from.
Michael Burry Sees A Bubble In Passive Index Investing
The contrarian investor gives passive index funds a thorough tongue-lashing -- and sees opportunity in small-cap stocks (that he happens to own).
Area Man Capitulates, Market Rejoices, Takes It Back, Markets Weep
The White House is considering "an interim trade deal" with China.
WeWork Asks Wall Street To Value It At More Than $20 Billion Or GTFO
This is escalating quickly.
Markets Considering Possibility That Escalating Tariffs Between Two Largest Global Economies Are Indeed Bad
Rising costs on goods might be bad for consumers AND manufacturers, muses everyone.
President Trump Totally Had Some Hot Summer Phone Chats This Summer, And No He Can't - Like - "Prove It"
They were with China...do YOU know anyone in China?
Tilray Is The Leading Indicator That Everything Is Bullsh!t
Pot stocks are making investors act high.
Trump Asks Jamie, BriMo And Corbat "WTF Is Happening To My Market, You Guys?"
So even the White House doesn't know who's running Wells Fargo.
If You're Trying To Pretend To Be Excited About China Trade Deal Rumors Again, Maybe Don't Look At The Yield Curve
Is it harder to keep swallowing the algo headline bullshit with an inverted yield curve?
Peter Navarro Will Not Brook Criticism From A Pinko Liberal Rag Like...The Wall Street Journal
Peter Navarro remains gallingly terrible at clapbacks and basic political theory.
Market Swoon Causes Crippling Algo-Mania In Old Dudes
It's almost like Jim Cramer is broken and spouting nonsense.
Like A Body On Life Support Fluttering Its Eylids, General Electric Releases Quarterly Results
This financial statement is a sign of life.
Altria Hoping That Juul And Pot Will Keep Smokers From Going White Claw All Over It
The tobacco giant appears eager to disrupt itself.
Blue Apron Shares Popping On Fake Meat Deal Announcement And This Just Wrote Itself
Nothing says sustainable value trade on long-term audience retention like "New partnership with Beyond Meat."
Index Fundamentals Clearly Dictated By Whims Of Illuminati And Satan
A research note from Hipster Trader.
We Have Proof That The Bull Market Is Already Dead
If you can't move a Manhattan condo for more than $10 million, then why aren't you already in cash?
Selling In May Might Have Made You Go Away Forever
This is why adages suck.
Cord Cutters Are About To Face A Saturated Content Market
Errybody got a streaming service now.
Trump's Special China Trade Truce Episode Is Actually A Summer Rerun From Sweeps
The "Dumb Goldfish" economy is doing its thing.
New York Knicks Stock Looks Like New York Knicks Basketball
Can you spot on the ticker where everyone realized that the Knicks will suck forever?
Actual Fed President Asks Twitter To Teach Him About Facebook's Crypto Thing
Come on, Neel Kashkari, you're supposed to be the hip one.
Despair, Youth, For The Avocado Market Is Truly F'ed
Bitcoin crashing while avocado prices surge in what we are calling The Hipsterpocalypse.
Markets No Longer Capable Of Caring About What's Real Or What's Fake
Would your broker eat this banana?
Slack's Direct Listing So Successful That People Will Be Talking Trash About Conventional IPOs On Slack
Don't watch, Uber, or Lyft, or Snap, or et al.
Jay Powell To Trump: You Can't Touch This...Please
Also, FOMC holds rates steady for June.
Markets Soar After Manufactured Crisis Is Narrowly Avoided By Having Already Been Solved Months Ago
The wisdom of the markets is something else these days.
Online Pet Food Company Looking To IPO At $7 Billion In 2019 Because We've All Learned Literally Nothing
On the bright side, Chewy.com isn't profitable and is planning on doing a dual share structure to keep it that way.
Uber Loses $1 Billion In A Single Quarter, Market Yawns
The softest bigotry of almost no expectations.
Investment Bank That Handled Uber IPO Thinks Tesla Is Probably Screwed
Morgan Stanley's Adam Jonas is the Judas Iscariot of Muskism.
Blue Apron Decides To Pull The Emergency Break In A Few Weeks As It Plummets Ever Faster Towards Death
If you've lost 94% of your public market value in less than one year, why not do a reverse stock-split right f'ing now?