Market News

No, you're feeling is correct, none of this makes sense.

The "Dumb Goldfish" economy is doing its thing.

Can you spot on the ticker where everyone realized that the Knicks will suck forever?

Come on, Neel Kashkari, you're supposed to be the hip one.

Bitcoin crashing while avocado prices surge in what we are calling The Hipsterpocalypse.

Would your broker eat this banana?

Don't watch, Uber, or Lyft, or Snap, or et al.

Also, FOMC holds rates steady for June.

The wisdom of the markets is something else these days.

On the bright side, Chewy.com isn't profitable and is planning on doing a dual share structure to keep it that way.

The softest bigotry of almost no expectations.

Silver linings, y'all.

Morgan Stanley's Adam Jonas is the Judas Iscariot of Muskism.

If you've lost 94% of your public market value in less than one year, why not do a reverse stock-split right f'ing now?

Surely this is the Sell signal of all Sell signals...

The market is teaching Uber a very hard lesson about how dynamic pricing really works.

"Surge pricing on our stock is a little lower than normal."

Hard to feel bullish on a company that just lost its only client...and also how no one really needs stamps anymore.

Lyft is the latest victim of a market that's afraid to be alone but even more afraid of an intimate long-term connection.

No one wants to hold equities today but everyone wants to hold Uber on Thursday, claims Uber.

Congrats to Uber on looking profitable by comparison.

Can you attract a crowd these days by direct listing without losing billions of dollars a year? Slack wants to find out.

This is some real good Silicon Valley hubris.

What are you doing, The Market? SNAP is never going to be relationship material.

After Lyft's nightmare, Uber is at a Ken Griffin level of not f@cking around.

If you're looking to go public without much fanfare, it's never a bad idea to start trading on a day on which everyone is reading about the president telling aides "I'm f@cked."

The hubris of everyone's least-favorite ridesharing company is outmatched only by its pile of burning cash.

Lest you all forget, one of the original public companies is a full and total clusterf@ck.

Not only is Blue Apron replacing the CEO with an Etsy exec, it's even firing a guy named Dickerson.

Where my vol be at?

Elon Musk is an addict and Tesla needs to intervene.

Vikram Pandit's former right hand man to be charged with paying some women for the use of their right, and probably also left, hands.

At least he's got Peter Navarro!

Gene Levoff allegedly took a "Think Different" approach to his day job.