SEC Gives Investors Another Thing To Wonder And Worry About
Want to know how COVID-19 is impacting your portfolio? Well, you’re just gonna have to wait a little longer.
News
You Guys Realize Ticker Symbols Aren’t The Same Thing As Company Names, Right?
And also that multi-billion dollar Silicon Valley unicorns rarely trade over-the-counter?
Did You Not Take Profits Just Before The Market Crashed? Guess You’re Not A Highly-Placed Executive
Or, you know, a United States senator.
The Last Three Weeks Have Made The Great Depression Look Like A Gentle Drive Down A Moderately Steep Hill
Welcome to the Zumanjaro: Drop of Doom market.
Masa Son To Sell Off Assets Amounting To SoftBank’s Entire Market Cap, Will Still Have A SoftBank Afterwards
This is some masterful put-up-or-shut-up stuff.
No, You Can’t Invest In Religious Hucksters Selling Fake Coronavirus Cures
But what a business model that would be!
Senators Get Coronavirus Briefings, Decide To Sell Stock In Totally Unrelated Events
We’re sure it’s just a lucky coincidence.
Don’t Worry About Coronavirus, Slumlord Millionaire Jared Kushner Is On It
He'll get this cleared up as quickly as he achieved peace in the Middle East.
Masa Son Thinks $15 Billion May Actually Be Enough To Spend On $5 Billion Company
On second thought, SoftBank might not need the extra $3 billion in equity, thanks.
You’ll Have To Find Another Time To Enjoy Omaha’s Charms
Buffettstock, like everything else, is cancelled.
So There’s One Company That Would Really Love To Do An IPO Like, Right This Second
Do you make biohazard masks in Italy? Because then you might want to as well.
One Stupid Trick For Avoiding Coronavirus Market Whiplash
Just, like, ignore everything until 3:30.
It’s Friday, Sell Everything Just In Case
That is, if you’re not already in voluntary quarantine in Westchester, in which case Rick Santelli thanks you.
It’s Starting To Feel Like Jay Powell’s Not Cut Out For This Fed Chair Thing
Donald Trump may be right about Bizarro King Midas, although for the wrong reasons, of course.
![Quit hiding behind the bench. By Phil Roeder (Flickr: Supreme Court of the United States) [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons](https://dealbreaker.com/.image/ar_16:9%2Cc_fill%2Ccs_srgb%2Cfl_progressive%2Cg_faces:center%2Cq_auto:good%2Cw_620/MTYxMjc3MTk0NzU5NTc5MTI1/supremecourt.jpg)
Supreme Court To Consider Whether Financial Fraudsters Should Be Allowed To Just, You Know, Get Away With It
The perfect High Court Tuesday for Donald Trump’s America.
Call the **Cough Cough** Close
Let’s play a pre-pandemic parlor game together, maybe for the last time.
Steven Seagal Is Out Of The CryptoPromotion Business
Don’t worry: He’s still making between two and four movies a year that you won’t see.
Oh, Look: A Bond That Acts Just Like Stocks Or Worse At The Worst Possible Time
We trust Larry Kudlow is loading up on pandemic bonds right now.
SEC Accuses Private Equity Guy/Church Elder With Violating Third, Seventh, Eighth And Tenth Commandments
We’re not saying that Dionne Van Zyl is going to hell, but…
Larry Kudlow Proclaims Coronavirus Epidemic Fake News, Markets Promptly Resume Tanking
The human counter indicator lives!
Warren Buffett Distracts Attention From Boring Year By Complaining About Things He Doesn’t Like
He really is 89 years old.
President Trump Drains The (White Collar Felon) Swamp
“One of America’s greatest financiers,” Michael Milken, can now vote for the reelection of America’s greatest president.
Local Gentleman’s Club To Provide Steak And A Date (Of Sorts) Tonight
Spend another lonely Valentine’s Day at a strip club, but in a new and innovative way.
Federal Court Revives Long-Form Financial Performance Art Of Masa Son
He gets to sell Sprint and its $40 billion in debt and lives to do something else bizarre.
![By Chris Potter (Flickr: 3D Judges Gavel) [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons](https://dealbreaker.com/.image/ar_16:9%2Cc_fill%2Ccs_srgb%2Cfl_progressive%2Cg_faces:center%2Cq_auto:good%2Cw_620/MTYxMjc3MTIzODkyNjg0Mjc3/gavel.jpg)
Someone Finally Finished Reading Panama Papers, Realizes He’s Guilty Of Tax Fraud
Eleven million documents is a lot, in fairness.
![By Federal Bureau of Prisons (http://www.bop.gov/locations/index.jsp) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons](https://dealbreaker.com/.image/ar_16:9%2Cc_fill%2Ccs_srgb%2Cfl_progressive%2Cg_faces:center%2Cq_auto:good%2Cw_620/MTYxMjc3MTE1MDM0NTExMzI0/prison.jpg)
Getting Kids Into Georgetown, USC Just Got Slightly More Expensive For Ex-PIMCO CEO
How much would Douglas Hodge have paid to not spend nine months in jail?
What Can’t Elon Musk Do? (Other Than Routinely Make Enough Cars)
He certainly can record a song in his basement and find 2.75 million stupid or bored enough to listen to it, though.
Bankruptcy Judge Is Really Rather Sick Of Nitpicking Over The Intricacies Of Bankruptcy Law
Which is a rather extraordinary thing to say for a bankruptcy judge, but in the case of Jay Alix v. McKinsey, we totally get it.
If The Economy Is Not Made Great This Election Year, It’s Definitely Not The President’s Doing
You’ll have Boeing or a microbe or the specter of Bernie Sanders to blame, so Steve Mnuchin would appreciate it if you vote accordingly.
No, Larry Kudlow Doesn’t Know What The Hell Wilbur Ross Is Talking About Either
The coronavirus is definitely not good news for the president’s reelection campaign.
WeWork Comes To Terms With What It Actually Is
The Silicon Valley disruptor/kombucha distributor’s new high priest is, uh, a real-estate executive.
Wilbur Ross Would Just Like To Point Out That This Global Health Emergency Might Be Just The Shot In The Arm American Manufacturing Needs
Ignore the dead Chinese people and consider of the opportunities they present.
If You Say You’re Gonna Monitor Your Risk Daily, You Should Probably Monitor Your Risk Daily
Especially if you’re gonna lose a few hundred million dollars. Which, by the way, if you had that risk manager…
Add Antitrust Violations To List Of Things That Will Send Martin Shkreli To Hell
Did you think he wasn’t going to try to protect the $750-a-pill golden goose by any means necessary?
Louise Linton Confirms That Her Husband Is Kind Of An A-Hole
Mrs. Steve Mnuchin (briefly) stands with Greta Thunberg, and realizes what the rest of us have known for a while.
President Trump Lavishes Praise On Immigrant
During that phone call about those cool rockets Elon Musk is building, did the president not notice that he talks kinda funny?
(Part Of) Argentina Will Not Be Paying Its Bills (For Now Or Possibly Ever)
That last part’s up to you, creditors.
First Congressman To Endorse Trump Sentenced To Two-Plus Years For Other, Less Serious Crimes
What’s insider trading compared to that stain on one’s conscience?
Lawsuit: Mark Zuckerberg A Supervillain Beyond The Powers Of Antitrust Protections
The only way to stop him is through extralegal means.
![By DR04 [CC BY 3.0], from Wikimedia Commons](https://dealbreaker.com/.image/ar_16:9%2Cc_fill%2Ccs_srgb%2Cfl_progressive%2Cg_faces:center%2Cq_auto:good%2Cw_620/MTYxMjc3MTI3MTE0NDM0NTI0/sears.jpg)
The Desiccated Corpse of Sears, Which Does Not Have $200 Million, Owes Its Lawyers $200 Million
And it cannot rest in peace until they're paid.
SEC Commissioner Would Rather Sit Around Listening To Law Students Hear Themselves Talk Than Have Another ‘Substantive Engagement’ With Jay Clayton
Attention NYU Law students: A broken man is coming your way for the fall semester.
Boring Man Going To Prison While The Cool Kids Swill Champagne Safe From Extradition
One man’s sport is another man’s felony conviction.
Millennial V.C. Fund Lives Up To Name By Investing Heavily In Its Millennial Founder
Unfortunately, according to the SEC, this did not live up to its prospectus.
![By AntanaCoins (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons](https://dealbreaker.com/.image/ar_16:9%2Cc_fill%2Ccs_srgb%2Cfl_progressive%2Cg_faces:center%2Cq_auto:good%2Cw_620/MTYxMjc3MTk1MDI4NTM5MzU2/bitcoin.jpg)
If Someone Says He’s Both Actually Mining and Bitcoin Mining, He’s Probably Doing Neither
But he might be insider-trading.
Hedge Fund Lobby Readying Law To Ban Sell-Side Research
Not really, or at least not yet, but man would it be a windfall.
Old Man Bernanke Has No Idea What He’s Talking About, Slightly Less Old Mark Carney Says
The Bank of England governor knows its been a while since the Beard central banked, but this plenty of tools talk is utter nonsense.
Xerox Does Not Need Color Copiers To Come Up With $24 Billion In Cash
Banks are willing to give it the money, for some reason.