Opening Bell

Don’t deposit your illegally-obtained stimulus money in your bank account with your employer; TikTok, Trump look for face-savings; Paul Singer thinks maybe oil company shouldn’t sell itself; fleeces very nearly coming to Flushing; and more!

Slack sags; Tiffany’s tiff; Tesla tumult; Brooks broken; and more!

Will the last person to leave Britain please turn out the lights?; Masa Son is Masa Son-ing; the last frontier in cheapening spirituality; and more!

Kamensky cuffed; Goldman cleared; Peter Navarro’s tough love; A-Rod angry; and more!

Ackbnb on ice; USND > USGDP; that vibration you feel is Jack Bogle spinning in his grave; and more!

TikTok tightrope; the Ackmanaissance accelerates; Swiss regulators to have a peek on Credit Suisse spying; Mick Mulvaney still awful; and more!

J.C. Penney has 10 days to live; Telsa splittin’ and sellin’ stock; models ‘can be and have been wrong;’ judge politely asks Steve Bannon to STFU; and more!

M.B.A.s screwed; Hertz executives not so much; the Japanese maybe; and more!

Of deviations and shortfalls; Argentine hopes; exchange espionage; and more!

Time’s up at TikTok; Bridgewater downsizing; be careful what you wish for Alex Karp; and more!

Permanent rotation; what’s the skiing like in Davos in June? How exactly did Citi screw up this big? And more!

Average inflation; Asana and Ant; burning earns Baupost a billion; forcing the failson; and more!

Stocks have never been more expensive, until later this morning; Zuck deflects attention; Czarna Krawędź; and more!

Ant; accreditation; antitrust; avoidance; and more!

Tough day for Trump; good times for hedge funds (except those fighting with Citi); “the president has his own mind on some of these things;” and more!

Market immunity; Mooch loves Robinhood; Mnuchin doesn’t know; Citi’s snit; garbage company is literally garbage; and more!

Hedge funds not feeling sick about missing vaccine rally; Jeff Smith hears people are throwing money at SPACs; GM fantasizes about becoming Tesla; and more!

Slouching towards pandemonium; dollar doldrums; insider-trading German style; and more!

So far not so good for SOFR; Hertz definitely didn’t need a CEO with creative ideas about accounting; short-seller sacks Chinese company again; and more!

Trump will kill Post Office if that’s what it takes; landlord buys tenants; Die Wirecardwantedposters; and more!

Capitalists love Kamala; Tesla rallies for no reason (again); British beggared; start measuring for fleece in Flushing; and more!

Jamie Dimon doesn’t feel your pain, but he knows it’s there and is doing something about it; SoftBank and soft commodities aren’t looking so soft; and more!

Stocks on edge; hedge fund hopefuls press on; crude follies; let’s go to the mall; and more!

The Chinese Exclusion Executive Order; bank mergers; bank fines; bullish in his bearishness; betting on bloaters; and more!

No deal; CalPERS CIO takes off; former Valeant undoes all of its Valeant-ness; who wants a bargain on a Manhattan apartment? and more!

Great timing for 1.4 million more unemployment claims; Commerzbank won’t be profitable this year after all; Jim Cramer thinks you’re stupid; and more!

Alternative facts; start the countdown on the next Argentine default; Twitter shockingly expects privacy fine; and more!

HSBC readying the pink slips; Kashkari pushes complete shutdown; Apple takes bite out of Dow; Mercers return to their hole; and more!

Hope you’re not counting on that stimulus next week; ‘give the prince whatever he demanded;’ and more!

Just a little one-third drop in GDP; Jeff ‘Yes or No’ Bezos; CEOs still doing fine; who needs a cab back to Manhattan from Greenwich? and more!

Stocks win; Apple wins; Tesla loses; Robinhood users really lose; and more!

An ‘incredible gift;’ oat milk investors; Ackman advances; and more!

Alien invasions; Main Street mess; chief disappointment officers; Ghosn’s saviors unsaved; and more!

Icahn sticks it to Buffett; Elon sticks it to everyone; Steve Cohen sticks it to other Mets bidders; and more!