Opening Bell

It's all fun and games until the fleet of internet satellites blocks out the sun and dooms us all to another Ice Age ...

Wells Fargo eats pizza with a fork and knife ...

You can't make this shit up, folks ...

Patagonia is quickly becoming that guy who reminds you how drunk you were the night before at happy hour ...

We’re all living in 2019 while Lloyd's of London is out here living in 1879 ...

Is Boeing really the company you want to stick your neck out for right now, you guys?

If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying ...

Stay in your lane, Spiegel ...

But how will New Yorkers identify douchebags in the wild?

HODL me back

"I'm an oil man, ladies and gentlemen." - Mohammad bin Salman

Make Crypto Great Again!

"I didn't sign up for this shit." - Alan Parker, probably

Palantir's CEO out here looking like he hosts 'Ancient Aliens' ...

Chad might be taking the Jitney instead of Blade to Southampton ...

Soo is the presser cancelled?

*Elizabeth Holmes breathes sigh of relief*

"Dilly Dilly" - that one co-worker nobody likes

"Sorry, I don't speak peasant."

As if you needed an excuse to spend more time in the handicap bathroom stall at the office ...

Want to know how to trigger white dudes in the financial services industry?

DB is the Mazda Miata of financial institutions ...

This man had ZERO faith in his daughter's God-given abilities ...

Snitches get stitches.

"Hi, my name is Tim and I am a lying sack of sh*t."

Where's Sully?

More like LaCry baby ...

Martin Shkreli and Bernie Madoff out here living their best lives ...

Zuck has an idea so crazy it might just work ...

Self "regulation" at its finest ...

Bill is back, baby!

Have you no shame, Tim?

Gorman gone mild

TMI, Jeff