Serial Bummer Jay Clayton Takes The Fun Out Of Coronavirus Bailouts
The first rule of bailout money is: Talk a lot about what you’re doing with your bailout money.
Coronavirus
Goldman To Turn Gymboree Into Something More Goldman-y
And, surprise, surprise, make sure it makes money on a series of spectacularly miscalculated investments.
Hedge Funds Feeling Sad, Could Use Some Bailout Money, Sayeth The Mooch
Not that Stephanie Ruhle was having any of it.
Michael Burry Is Super Short This ‘Criminally Unjust’ Economic Shutdown
Like subprime CDOs and passive investing, this whole thing is way overblown, IHO.
Have You Heard Of The Penny Stock Companies That Are Gonna Save Us?
The SEC has, too, and now you can’t trade them anymore.
Famously Public-Minded Bank Doing All It Can To Help Out
Which, in Wells Fargo’s case, is not much, so don’t ask.
The Economy May Have Stopped, But The Revolving Door At Citadel Has Not
Take comfort in what glimpses of normalcy we still have.
Ken Griffin Locks Up Two Dozen Employees To Keep The Liquidity Flowing
They can look out at the beach—but definitely aren’t allowed to go to it.
Hedge Fund Manager Buys Some Social Distance
Thomas Laffont has an extra acre and four more bedrooms in which to hide from coronavirus.
COVID-19 Kills Beautiful Dream Of Having Heavily-Indebted Company Borrow More To Buy Company Three Times Its Size
The shotgun wedding of HP and Xerox has, like all weddings right now, been called off.
If You Survive This, You Might Be An Accredited Investor On The Other Side
There may not be any hedge funds left to invest in, but that’s not Jay Clayton’s problem.
Even Bill Barr Thinks Something Looks Fishy In Richard Burr’s Trading
So he’s gonna pretend to do something about it.
Hedge Funds Mark Last Pre-COVID-19 Quarter With Few Launches, Many, Many Liquidations
Always good to get a head start on things.
Europeans Retain Laser-Focus On Real Coronavirus Threat: Hedge Funds
New leverage restrictions should come online just in time for us to have forgotten about this whole pandemic thing.
SEC Gives Investors Another Thing To Wonder And Worry About
Want to know how COVID-19 is impacting your portfolio? Well, you’re just gonna have to wait a little longer.
Layoffs Watch ’20: Deutsche Bank To Stop Firing People For A While After It Finishes Firing These Other People
The coronavirus clemency comes too late for some soon-to-be-former Deutsches.
Bonus Watch ’20: Your Year-End Windfall Is Looking Sickly
Coronavirus has a 10-month incubation period in bonus checks.
Since Coronavirus Is Far Worse Than Any Stress Test, What’s The Point Of Stress Tests?
Don’t banks and the Fed have better things to do right now?
Did You Not Take Profits Just Before The Market Crashed? Guess You’re Not A Highly-Placed Executive
Or, you know, a United States senator.
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Coronavirus Saves People From Having To Pretend To Enjoy SALT This Year
But the Mooch can count on seeing all of you in Abu Dhabi in December, right? Right?
The Last Three Weeks Have Made The Great Depression Look Like A Gentle Drive Down A Moderately Steep Hill
Welcome to the Zumanjaro: Drop of Doom market.
Germany Spending €750 Billion On Hedgefundicide
This is no time for hostile takeovers, short selling or any other hedge fund funny stuff.