GameStop To Cosplay As Actual Company, Release Irrelevant Earnings
And Elon Musk tries, and fails, to act like a normal corporate executive.
The Part Of Goldman Sachs David Solomon Is Getting Rid Of Posts Record Quarter
You won’t need to worry about profits doubling once Marcus is in charge.
Infected JPMorgan Employees Haven’t Spread COVID To Bank’s Bottom Line
Citigroup, on the other hand, is still feeling under the weather.
In These Chaotic Times, We Can Still Rely On Tesla To Post A Solid Quarterly Loss
You are our constant, Elon Musk.
It's Brian Moynihan's World, We're All Just Basking In His Sunshine
The former Eeyore of Wall Street is now a compulsive winner making life more interesting for Jamie Dimon.
Uber Loses $1 Billion In A Single Quarter, Market Yawns
The softest bigotry of almost no expectations.
The Market Is Reckoning With Who Lyft Is Versus Who It Wants Lyft To Be
Lyft is the latest victim of a market that's afraid to be alone but even more afraid of an intimate long-term connection.
Goldman Sachs Manages To Beat Estimates By Paying Everyone Like They Fell Short Of Estimates, Which They Actually Did
DJ D-Sol paid Goldmen less in Q1, but how long can he keep doing that?
Goldman Sachs Destroys Estimates By Pretending That It's An Investment Bank Again
After dressing up the world's most potent financial services company as a 90's era M&A i-bank, DJ D-Sol is apparently into cosplay.
Wells Fargo Admits That It Will Remain In A Bad Bank Time Out For 2019
America’s naughtiest lender will stay under Fed punishment for the whole year.
Jamie Dimon Acts Very Presidential While Announcing Worst JPMorgan Quarter In Years
He's definitely not not running.
Citi Reports That It’s Still Way Too Big To Worry About A Massive Trading Loss
Mike Corbat: “I got creamed by that December volatility…come at me, bro.”
Nice Afternoon For A Pair Of Scrappy Lovable Underdogs
It's nice when the little people get a W.
Jamie Dimon Is Done Letting You Geeks Trigger Him With Bitcoin Talk
He's done talking about it...OKAY?!
Regardless Of Financials, Tesla Shattered All Elon Musk Expectations For Q1 2017
If you read closely, you can see where the ayahuasca Elon drank before the earnings call kicks in during the Q&A.
Facebook Decides That It Doesn't Even Need To Fudge Numbers To Prove That It Will Lay Waste To Silicon Valley
The Zuck is reporting a diluted EPS of "Deez NUTS!"
Deutsche Bank Shocks Universe With Third Quarter Profit
No one saw this coming.
Laying Off Employees, U.K. Clusterf*ck Did Wonders For Bank Of America's Third Quarter Earnings
Yay BofA! Sorry unemployeds/people across the pond.
Firing A Bunch Of People Really Helped Citi's Bottom Line Last Quarter
So that's nice for...the bank.
Not Paying Out Billions In Legal Fees Is Boon To JP Morgan's Profit
So that's something new and exciting.
Wealth Management Not Quite The Low-Volatility Sure-Thing UBS Was Counting On
Even though they had a plan and everything! Son of a!