![Who'd want to invest in something like this? By Yinxinybyq [CC BY-SA 4.0 ], from Wikimedia Commons](https://dealbreaker.com/.image/ar_16:9%2Cc_fill%2Ccs_srgb%2Cfl_progressive%2Cg_faces:center%2Cq_auto:good%2Cw_620/MTYxMjc3Nzg3NzMzNTY3NDUy/uber.jpg)
Uber Loses $1 Billion In A Single Quarter, Market Yawns
The softest bigotry of almost no expectations.
earnings
The Market Is Reckoning With Who Lyft Is Versus Who It Wants Lyft To Be
Lyft is the latest victim of a market that's afraid to be alone but even more afraid of an intimate long-term connection.
Goldman Sachs Manages To Beat Estimates By Paying Everyone Like They Fell Short Of Estimates, Which They Actually Did
DJ D-Sol paid Goldmen less in Q1, but how long can he keep doing that?
Goldman Sachs Destroys Estimates By Pretending That It's An Investment Bank Again
After dressing up the world's most potent financial services company as a 90's era M&A i-bank, DJ D-Sol is apparently into cosplay.
Wells Fargo Admits That It Will Remain In A Bad Bank Time Out For 2019
America’s naughtiest lender will stay under Fed punishment for the whole year.
Jamie Dimon Acts Very Presidential While Announcing Worst JPMorgan Quarter In Years
He's definitely not not running.
Citi Reports That It’s Still Way Too Big To Worry About A Massive Trading Loss
Mike Corbat: “I got creamed by that December volatility…come at me, bro.”
Jamie Dimon Is Done Letting You Geeks Trigger Him With Bitcoin Talk
He's done talking about it...OKAY?!
Regardless Of Financials, Tesla Shattered All Elon Musk Expectations For Q1 2017
If you read closely, you can see where the ayahuasca Elon drank before the earnings call kicks in during the Q&A.
Facebook Decides That It Doesn't Even Need To Fudge Numbers To Prove That It Will Lay Waste To Silicon Valley
The Zuck is reporting a diluted EPS of "Deez NUTS!"
Brian Moynihan Savors Fleeting Moment Of Triumph Over Lloyd Blankfein
Don't sleep on BriMo!
Laying Off Employees, U.K. Clusterf*ck Did Wonders For Bank Of America's Third Quarter Earnings
Yay BofA! Sorry unemployeds/people across the pond.
Firing A Bunch Of People Really Helped Citi's Bottom Line Last Quarter
So that's nice for...the bank.
Not Paying Out Billions In Legal Fees Is Boon To JP Morgan's Profit
So that's something new and exciting.
Wealth Management Not Quite The Low-Volatility Sure-Thing UBS Was Counting On
Even though they had a plan and everything! Son of a!
Deutsche Bank CEO Openly Fantasizes About What It Might Be Like To Run A Bank Not Losing Money Hand Over Fist
Deutsche staffers aren't the only ones who just want to say "F*ck this hell hole." But we can't always get what we want, can we?
Firing A Bunch Of People, Not Paying Billions In Fines Works Out Well For HSBC
Layoffs - money laundering legal fees = profit!
Twitter Founder and Interim CEO Jack Dorsey Is Not That Crazy About Twitter
He stopped just sort of saying "Never Tweet."
When Elon Musk Spends More Than Half A Billion Dollars In One Quarter, It's Art
It's Elon math, so you wouldn't understand... you plebe.