Get caught lifting some pregnancy tests from a CVS when you were 18? Visit careers.jpmorgan.com today!
But not without delivering another, posthumous “F.U.” to the late former Fed chief.
An eager and not-at-all-shellshocked world greets the arrival of Square Financial Services.
Team Trump’s got a few months to do what they couldn’t in their first year-plus.
When the president asks you to do something, you find something else more important to do.
No one fucks with the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation – except maybe Brian Moynihan.
Wells Fargo is failing tests like a hungover freshman who can't even read.
One way you could spend this slow week is reading the "living wills" submitted by a bunch of banks telling regulators how to wind them up if they go under. Don't, though: they're about the most boring and least informative things imaginable and I am angry that I read them.* Here for instance is how JPMorgan would wind itself up if left to its own devices**: (1) It would just file for bankruptcy and stiff its non-deposit creditors (at the holding company and then, if necessary, at the bank). (2) If after stiffing its non-deposit creditors it didn't have enough money to pay its depositors it would sell its highly attractive businesses in a competitive sale to willing buyers who would pay top dollar. This seems wrong, no? And not just in the sense of "in my opinion that would be sort of difficult, what with people freaking out about JPMorgan going bankrupt and its highly attractive businesses having landing it in, um, bankruptcy." It's wrong in the sense that it's the opposite of having a plan for dealing with banks being "too big to fail": it's premised on an assumption that the bank is not too big to fail. If JPMorgan runs into trouble that it can't get out of without taxpayer support, it'll just file for bankruptcy like anybody else. Depositors will be repaid (if they're under FDIC limits); non-depositor creditors will be screwed just like they would be on a failure of Second Community Bank of Kenosha.