quarterly results
Brian Moynihan Manages To Exceed Expectations, Disappoint At Same Time
Very on-brand for America’s most hapless Irish dad.
Goldman Sachs Dealing With A Third Quarter Hipster Hangover
Over at 200 West Street, the trading Trotskyites are bailing out the WeWork-investing Stalinists [this is a perfect allegory].
Like A Body On Life Support Fluttering Its Eylids, General Electric Releases Quarterly Results
This financial statement is a sign of life.
Tesla Results Miss On Every Key Component But One
Elon Musk's notional car company is losing money and executives, but his key Wall Street apostle remains unfazed.
Deutsche Bank Somehow Still A Thing That Exists
Admitting to collecting fees from a notorious sex criminal is somehow only the third-worst thing that has happened to Deutsche Bank in the last 24 hours.
President Trump Casually Suggests Giving Analysts Several Months Of Their Lives Back
How does only two earnings seasons a year sound? Happy Summer Friday!
Wells Fargo Reports Solid Earnings Before Mumbling "But, Like, Minus A Billion Or Whatever..."
Why can't you just be cool, Wells Fargo?
Sell-Side Analysts Misunderstand Apple Almost As Badly As They Misunderstand Amazon
They only missed by 20 cents a share on this one!
New CEO of GE Thinks GE Is A Real POS
Looking at it now, John Flannery can't believe he even took this terrible gig.
Goldman Saves The Worst For Last
Lloyd might have been a little too tender with his firing stick.
Henry Kravis To Wall Street: "I Am Your OG And I Will Be Respected As Such"
KKR is wondering what everyone was else was doing while they made all of this money.
Stock Plummets After Wall Street Realizes Etsy Has Failed To Make A Profit, Like Ever
What, no one believes in the market power of homemade macrame lingerie anymore?!?!
JC Penney Learns That You Have To Share Your Mistakenly Released Sales Numbers With The Whole Class
Somewhere, Ron Johnson is smirking so hard right now.