Badly-Timed Bonus Watch ‘19
SoftBank and Tesla, the two companies that make the least sense, give their bosses rich pats on the back for jobs apparently well-done by some inscrutable measure.
Tesla
Man Who Named His Child A String Of Letters, Numbers And Symbols Wants You To Know He’s Not Messing Around
This lawsuit is no joke, to Elon Musk, anyway.
Human Smokestack Believes In Electric Cars
You can be sure Jim Simons took some deep, satisfying drags as Elon Musk made him another $2 billion.
President Trump Lavishes Praise On Immigrant
During that phone call about those cool rockets Elon Musk is building, did the president not notice that he talks kinda funny?
Who Let Elon Musk’s Babysitters Take Off Early For Christmas?
Was there no one around to grab his phone when TSLA shares hit $420?
Elon Musk Is Looking For Yet Another Babysitter
Who wants to explain everything he does to the SEC/judge/board members/Saudi crown prince?
Elon Musk Takes Time Out From Trial Prep To Propose New Securities Litigation
If he’s got to be in the dock, David Einhorn should have to join him.
David Einhorn Showing Symptoms Of Ackmania Again
He’s still way up on the year, but not quite as way up as he had been.
In These Chaotic Times, We Can Still Rely On Tesla To Post A Solid Quarterly Loss
You are our constant, Elon Musk.
Elon Musk Would Like It Entered Into The Legal Record That He Doesn't Know What "Pedo" Means
This reminds us of the time he learned about "sex parties."
Tesla Solar Is Burning And No One’s Doing Anything About It
Even Elon likes data, and this set ain't great.
David Einhorn Evincing Signs Of Late-Stage Ackmania
D-Hornz -who is shorting Tesla- is demanding Elon Musk resign from Tesla, which we're pretty sure is cheating.
Who Wants To Let This Guy Shoot Them Into Space?
Elon Musk may just place the rocket over some of his solar panels and see what happens.
Elon Musk More Concerned With Saving Dogs Than People
And we’re frankly in accord with the sentiment.
Tesla Results Miss On Every Key Component But One
Elon Musk's notional car company is losing money and executives, but his key Wall Street apostle remains unfazed.
Elon Musk Wants To Rent Some Of Your Brain To Save Tesla
Just one microchip in your brain will make you electric car an ever-appreciating asset.
Car Company Stock Soars On News That Car Company Made Cars
Tesla really is a hell of a thing.
Crypto Traders Also Enjoy Investing In Tesla, Claims Redundant Study
Some solid research here from the Nodoi Institute at The University of Obvious.
Elon Musk Pretty Certain That He Can Either Make Cars Or Make Money
This is a wonderful moment of liturgical testing in the Muskian religion.
Surprise Mexico Tariffs Claim Least Surprising Victim
Oh, David Einhorn, things are going to get better...we think.
It Only Looked Like Elon Musk Had A Bad Year
As with everything else Tesla-related, when you get into the proper magical realms, it looked more like a $2.3 billion year.