Wells Fargo

You won’t need to worry about profits doubling once Marcus is in charge.

True story.

Affirmative inaction beneficiary Charlie Scharf doesn’t understand why he only wants to hire white people.

Nothing is f*cked, dude.

The world’s fattest bank (in more ways than one) is preparing a crash diet.

But not without delivering another, posthumous “F.U.” to the late former Fed chief.

It’s hard to say, but they can get ready to cut some dividend checks.

“Hell yeah it was worth it.”

Banco Santander’s a sixth of the way to matching Wells’ auto-loan sanctions.

The stagecoach has a ways to go before the Morgans feel the shock of recognition.

Others need not apply. Or, they can, but expect that application to get lost in a mountain of paperwork.

Charlie Scharf’s transformation plan is still a work in progress.

The first rule of bailout money is: Talk a lot about what you’re doing with your bailout money.

Which, in Wells Fargo’s case, is not much, so don’t ask.

And it would have worked, too, if not for you meddling SJWs.

Is it even worth mentioning a mere $35 million scandal at the stagecoach?

But don’t worry, little stagecoach drivers: Jamie Dimon’s son-in-law is figuring out how to fix all of those broken wooden wheels.

He really is 89 years old.